A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

Having just reread a part of the story where Fyntn discussed his place in the ivy, I came back to the library weeks later. I did not feel like coming back since everything was ok now. There was no reason to continue, except when the Rahin returned to change something. Over the weeks spent away, I had grown sad and angry about some things in my life, and the growing disaster of the virus variants plaguing the world into a subjugated populace. Those who were meant to protect us, have given up trying. This was the time for an endemic survival of the fittest. The second I stepped foot in that empty space, I did not want to stay. I could only burden them with the way I was feeling. I wanted to let beast run loose, let JJ have fun unburdened by limits of time and money. I had no place to let rage burn out of me. I had no time to play around. Kara, Lila, and Tarne, did not need that depressing mindset around right now. I would have to find a way to rage and play before coming back. break I ha...

I came back to the library after a few days of stress about moving. I would have to move again soon enough, but the temporary respite was welcome. The first thing I saw inside was Tarne, sitting at the desk in the open space with a book in her hands. I scanned around before coming up to her, but Lila and Kara were not around. “Hey, Tea,” I said. She held up a finger for a moment of silence, then slipped a divider into the section of the book where she was, and closed it with a heavy slam. I wondered what she was reading, and questioned whether I put my stories back into the library, or if Lila did. She could probably recall them from memory after the library got shattered to pieces. I did still worry about those books and where they ended up. “Jack!” She said, and jumped across the desk with hands in a loop. The arms caught my neck like a ring tossed onto a hook. From there, her hands split apart for just a moment as she floated slowly down thanks to creationism into a hug. I smiled, a...

I came back the next day, from a downpour of rain outside that cooled my mind down. It felt like I put obstacles in front of myself just to trip over them, but this was at an end. If anything, I wanted Kara to be happy again. Maybe I could even reverse Tarne growing up inside Garr. Kara and Lila could head off into the other worlds with child Tarne, living on the run from the Rahin. I would be a decoy in that scenario, allowing the destruction of this space, which I knew was coming anyways. Waiting to die was a truly depressing way to live. Even after I promised Rebecca I would seek happiness. Part of me never trusted her, or rather the Rebecca on the computer screen who told me she went to talk to Alexander Virtu. It did not matter. Lila’s and Kara’s happiness was paramount. I appeared in the library out of a puff of smoke to find it empty. My antics were wasted. I walked up the stairs to see if Kara and Lila were still at Tarne’s bedside. When I reached the top step, the door to the ...

I came back the next day without an idea how to fix the mess I possibly created by myself. If only there was a way for Akier to forget he ever was his past life. If he could just go back to being Tarne… It would not work. Kara would know. Lila would, too. I wanted a rewrite, to stop myself from bringing these events on. Was it my mind seeking to destroy happiness for entertainment? Yet, it still felt like healing, like understanding myself. I have come a long way from Finnelgamin. Even though Rebecca was the true surgery of my psyche, Lila was the rehabilitation. Is. I entered the library to find Lila holding Tarne in a headlock. I rushed to separate them, and pulled Lila aside. “What was that?” I asked. “He’s not supposed to be here!” Lila exclaimed. “I want my daughter back! You hear that, you monster piece of shit? Get the fuck out of my daughter’s body!” “Lila,” I said, forcing her to meet my eyes. “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s always been him. When I wasn’t Tarne, the emp...

I came back a few days later. I forgot to come back to draw Kara the next day. How did one draw someone who has been a hero all her life past her prime? I did not intend to mean it disparagingly. I have always seen Kara as the badass girl who jumped between worlds to heal them. She even worked with the creatures that fed on the chaos she prevented. In that way, she tamed them, turned them into a different sort of being. When I saw her now, in love with Lila, and happy even, I was speechless in terms of picturing her. There was one scene I wanted to draw of her. It was back when both Lila and Kara were in bed, Tarne between them in a lovely symmetry. I kept it in my head, but that was not the standard Kara moment. The classic for her was stirring up trouble for a good cause. I always saw her amidst a battle, both elated and focused. My drawing could not capture that yet. I entered the library in my form, but found it empty. With a check upstairs and the garden, I proceeded to the attic ...

I came back the next day to check in with them, maybe give drawing Lila another try. I wished for their happiness above all, and my presence could only cause some sort of trouble. It would not be long before Kara took Lila and Tarne away from this place, but I dreaded that moment. Back when Lila was just a prisoner to the denizens of the Infinity Void, her presence was assured for years to come. I actually thought I would watch Tarne grow, or grow up as Lila’s daughter over years she would remain in untethered space. That felt distant now. When I entered the library, Lila sat on the stairs to the second floor alone. She looked like she was waiting for someone. I almost expected to find Lila and Kara in bed, enjoying their relationship, but Kara was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Tarne. “Hey, Lila,” I said, walking up to her. She did not look up to meet my eyes. “I’m glad Kara told you how she felt.” “I’m glad, too,” she said. I wanted to ask her why she looked so sad if that was t...

I had been dreading returning to this. A stray thought exploded in the possibility of what could be waiting for me. What I knew of the Infinity Void, and what came before. There was no happy ending to this escape from mediocrity. I forced my way into something beyond me, above the standard practice of counting time. I did not belong here. I belonged to a world in utter chaos, seeking a place to call home with every fiber of my being, yet afraid to ask for help. Again, I stepped into the body that did not belong to me, among the darkness I was left in, with a mind of endless pouring a torrent of ideas over my broken brain. :Hey, Lila,: I texted as I opened my eyes to the ceiling of the library I imagined burning at one point. I was alone. The phone buzzed against wood nearby, not in Lila’s hand. With a bit of rocking side to side, I managed to force weak baby muscles to sit up. I had no sense of balance, and almost fell back against the wooden desk, but a hand caught my naked back with ...