A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

Past the Thanksgiving weekend, I sat once more at the device with an idea derived from six hours of waiting for someone to open the door to where I lived. It was a three-step plan for dealing with Kara. I hoped the third step would not be necessary. If the first step worked, I would not need the rest. It was more of a one step plan with two contingencies in case of failure. It was a real if-then-if-then-if-then scenario, with the last “then” drawing a blank. In programming, that would error out, but here it was the last line of defense, the third “if” being the exterminating final bullet to the problem Kara presented. I entered the library almost confident. I would be throwing emotions I had to field from Tarne back at Kara. I was interested in seeing how she felt after getting comfortable with the kid. It broke my heart. Maybe it could melt the ice around Kara’s wounded one. All she could see now was anger for what happened to James at the hands of someone very much gone. When I got u...

Weeks passed before I returned to this. I wanted to abandon it, leave the three of them sleeping in bliss. I would go on to write children’s stories where drama did not rule over everything. The characters would be bright-eyed fools, and nothing too bad happened to them. I wanted to protect that innocence JJ championed. For that, I would need to fix what I broke inside Kara, what I fractured by trying to be something I always wished I was in secret. Maybe a part of life is meant to be disappointment, so that we sought completion through reproduction, channeling hopes and dreams into the children when they are but sponges. No. I would never let that happen to someone created by me. I would never… It already happened with Rebecca. She split her mind because she saw mine. In her mind, that was the only thing she could do to connect to me, to try to help me. And for that, I spat in her face and shunned her. Not literally. I shook the thoughts away. This was not about Rebecca anymore. This ...

I came back to the untethered space a few weeks later, though Tarne pleaded before that I take care of the issue quickly. I could only hope that distance from the hate for Akier was refuge enough, albeit lonely. When I entered the library, it was not so. The structure was a palace with great stone columns supporting a heavy stone ceiling painted with flowers. The windows out onto the dark beyond were gone, and so were the lights. Instead, a miniature sun was suspended near the ceiling, casting an intense white glow all over the open space. I looked for the staircase down to the wooden box in a panic, and found it much to my relief. It looked the same, but out of place on the now stone floor. The inside was still wood, outfitted with a couch, and four chairs around a table next to the bookshelf. I sighed in relief. Something wild happened here. The stairs to upstairs remained in the same area, and I followed them up to find the second floor with bedrooms just as stoned as the main libra...

I came back to the library after a few days of stress about moving. I would have to move again soon enough, but the temporary respite was welcome. The first thing I saw inside was Tarne, sitting at the desk in the open space with a book in her hands. I scanned around before coming up to her, but Lila and Kara were not around. “Hey, Tea,” I said. She held up a finger for a moment of silence, then slipped a divider into the section of the book where she was, and closed it with a heavy slam. I wondered what she was reading, and questioned whether I put my stories back into the library, or if Lila did. She could probably recall them from memory after the library got shattered to pieces. I did still worry about those books and where they ended up. “Jack!” She said, and jumped across the desk with hands in a loop. The arms caught my neck like a ring tossed onto a hook. From there, her hands split apart for just a moment as she floated slowly down thanks to creationism into a hug. I smiled, a...

I came back the next day without an idea how to fix the mess I possibly created by myself. If only there was a way for Akier to forget he ever was his past life. If he could just go back to being Tarne… It would not work. Kara would know. Lila would, too. I wanted a rewrite, to stop myself from bringing these events on. Was it my mind seeking to destroy happiness for entertainment? Yet, it still felt like healing, like understanding myself. I have come a long way from Finnelgamin. Even though Rebecca was the true surgery of my psyche, Lila was the rehabilitation. Is. I entered the library to find Lila holding Tarne in a headlock. I rushed to separate them, and pulled Lila aside. “What was that?” I asked. “He’s not supposed to be here!” Lila exclaimed. “I want my daughter back! You hear that, you monster piece of shit? Get the fuck out of my daughter’s body!” “Lila,” I said, forcing her to meet my eyes. “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s always been him. When I wasn’t Tarne, the emp...