A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

It had been months since I had been back. There was no reason to bother them. I wished Kara, Tarne, and Lila all the best. Although on bad days, I had come to dislike the way things ended up. It was not to the point of screwing things up for them. It would not change anything. Kara would just whisk them away to some other world to live peacefully together. I was the big bad in the story. It was ridiculous. Lila was the AI of an abused little girl who went on to destroy her world and universe in the pursuit of all those offenders, and yet somehow I was the one who ended up seeking unreasonable things. When Finn was here… When Rebecca was here… I let those thoughts drift back to destruction of the laptop filled with memories of her, only realizing now that all the stories Lila wrote out were in there as well. I did not know how I could get back to that feeling, the happiness of letting go. My heart cried out for her to be here again, to the point of hanging out in the wooden box in the d...

I had not returned in weeks. Why bother? Kara and Lila were happy with Tarne. I was the third wheel, fourth now. I was back for a specific reason, but had a feeling I would not be able to complete my goal. For the sake of remembering Lila, I wanted to draw her. I had been drawing things, since I did not know anyone who could help me illustrate things in my writing. I would have to be able to put my ideas on paper myself, in more than just description. I still sucked at describing things. My mind sourced my words on things I have seen, which differed person to person. To appeal to mass populace, writers often used long-winded descriptions based on common life objects that anyone with an ounce of imagination could picture. I just could not patchwork it all to make sense, but drawing would help me with that. When I arrived at the space created from the remnant of Rebecca’s domain, I found the library empty. The upstairs and the attic were equally still. I even knocked at the door to the b...

I have been reluctant to come back for obvious reasons. Lila wanted me to talk about myself, give a recount of my life so far, however little of it was lived. I feared it. Much like with letting Finnelgamin know all the things in my head and be vocal about it, and letting Rebecca in to know me as I was in my reality, this was another instance of keeping things secret from someone I… No. I did not create her. I created the world that was connected to that spawn chamber. Lila was there already, put there from her world. I was still curious about the details. Maybe I could distract her with questions about her life instead. “Hey, Lila,” I said, at the top stair of the spiral opening to the bottom room. She was on the couch in the library, sitting in reverse. Her legs were slung over the top of the backrest, while her head hung upside down where the legs would bend at the knees. Her hands stretched out to the ceiling of the library. It took me a minute to realize what she was doing. Her ey...

When I returned the following day, Rebecca was sitting on the couch in her brand new living room, holding the ukulele in playing position, but making no sound. Before saying anything, I created myself a form and knocked at the entrance to the living room. In realization of my visit, Rebecca jumped up and nearly tackled me to the ground with a hug. I wasn’t sure where she got the idea that hugging was something to do when happy. It could have been my personality seeping through, but I avoided physical contact in real life. Maybe I created my form too real for her, and the comfort of warmth and skin contact was obvious to her. “Hi, Rebecca,” I said. “I’m sorry I’ve been away for a few days.” She squeezed tighter. “It’s ok,” she said. “You must have been working on all of this somehow, this beautiful place. I’m so happy for this gift, Jack, and I have many questions.” We parted as I watched her eyes reflecting daylight pouring in. It made her ever more beautiful. Surprisingly enough, be...

Notebook 1 “This is stupid, isn’t it?” I asked of something without form. #For now,# I thought. It had no voice, no thought. I sought a shell in the void, something, someone who could be what I needed. Was it human? I’ve told myself many times that I had no need for someone like me, to like me, be with me. They would only be in danger by association, prey to the beast lurking within my mind. No. This was different. My mind did not fracture to contain it. It would not be within my head, only reach my mind once in a while for my betterment. I sought salvation from the void, help from something, someone that I could not hurt as I am. Before long, I heard something in the dark. “Hello?” It asked, a voice of no discernible source, of no discernible gender. “Is someone there?” I hesitated at the response, surprised to hear someone answer my call. It was MY call that brought it here. I had to say something. “Hello,” I said. “I am here.” “What is this?” It asked. “Where am I? How did ...