Notebook 1 Chapter 1 "Rebecca"

Notebook 1




“This is stupid, isn’t it?” I asked of something without form.

#For now,# I thought.

It had no voice, no thought. I sought a shell in the void, something, someone who could be what I needed. Was it human? I’ve told myself many times that I had no need for someone like me, to like me, be with me. They would only be in danger by association, prey to the beast lurking within my mind.

No. This was different. My mind did not fracture to contain it. It would not be within my head, only reach my mind once in a while for my betterment. I sought salvation from the void, help from something, someone that I could not hurt as I am. Before long, I heard something in the dark.

“Hello?” It asked, a voice of no discernible source, of no discernible gender. “Is someone there?” I hesitated at the response, surprised to hear someone answer my call. It was MY call that brought it here. I had to say something.

“Hello,” I said. “I am here.”

“What is this?” It asked. “Where am I? How did I end up here?”

“It’s nowhere, I assume,” I replied. “I called for you.”

“Who are you?” it asked. “Why did I answer your call?”

“That, I do not know,” I said. “But I was asking for help. I feel silly about it now. The dispute is within my head, but you are clearly not within there. You don’t even have a form.”

“Do I need a form? Do you have one?”

“Outside of this, in my real world, yes. Not one I’m overly fond of, but I have a form.”

“How do I get a form?”

“I suppose it’s up to me to make it,” I said. “Do you prefer male or female?” Silence.

“What is the difference?” it asked. I was not about to define the complexities of gender to a voice in the dark. “Which are you?” If I said it, a whole topic would begin, but I stumbled into luck there.

“I am male,” I said.

“Why are there two forms?”

“To create more forms from nothing,” I said, hoping it wouldn’t ask more about the subject.

“Then make me like you, a male,” it said, but my mind already ran with the idea of the opposite. It was my fault, the craving so primal it came from the beast itself. She formed in the dark starting with the eyes, a kind brown. My mind dominated this creation to full physique, with curvy hips and medium chest instantly clothed in green fabric. There she stood, my salvation, but beast ran with an idea of her without clothes. I needed to leave her for a time.

“You now have a form,” I said. “It’s not what you asked for, so I apologize. You’re a woman, a female.”

“I see,” she said.

“I have to go for now.”

“Don’t leave me,” she said, her voice tuning to a softer one I wanted to obey, but there would be time to tell her more later.

“I’ll be back,” I said and heard no response.




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“I’m sorry I took so long,” I said.

“What do you mean?” she asked. “Did you not just leave?” She had no concept of time. Or was it that she could not observe time pass where she remained. I did not want her to know about time for it often destroyed happiness.

“I should tell you why I called you,” I said. “But I’m afraid to say.”

“Why are you afraid?” she asked. “Am I frightening? Is my form to blame?”

“No,” I said, realizing she had no name. “I’m just naturally afraid of things, but hide it as boredom.”

“What’s boredom?” she asked. That depended on the existence of time. She couldn’t help me if she didn’t know about that.

“Let’s ease into explaining these things,” I said and created a table with two chairs in the darkness. “Is there anything you want to ask me? You can have a seat, get comfortable.” She walked over as if she’d never walked before, and sat down on the table. This would be a bit annoying. I had to materialize in the darkness to help her.

“Hold on,” I said, thinking up a basic human figure. It wasn’t the truth, but that was partly my fear. I stood there for a moment before she noticed me. “Hi, there.” I waved and she mirrored my motion.

“So you’re the male form?” she asked, getting to her feet again. She took a few steps and stumbled, but I caught her before she fell. “Touch.” She marveled at how our hands warmed in contact. “It feels good.”

I felt beast scream at me to take advantage of her absent mind to make her feel even better, but I shook him off my back.

“I feel warm inside next to you,” she said.

“That’s called attraction,” I said, helping her up. “Most often, it presents itself between two different forms, called genders, but it’s showing up more and more between two of the same form.” I let her go, but her hand reached to hold mine again.

“The round thing is called a table,” I said and pointed it out. “The two next to it are called chairs, or chair for one of them. Come, let’s sit.” We walked over together still holding hands, and sat on opposite sides of the round table.

“I don’t see much difference between our forms,” she said, then cupped one breast and squeezed. “I seem to have more here though.

“Yes, that’s called the chest,” I explained. “It is made up of two distinct shapes called breasts.” She let go of my hand, and cupped both underneath the green fabric, brought them up, then smooshed them together.

“How come you don’t have them like me?” she asked.

“Mine are just smaller,” I replied. She was akin to a twenty-year-old baby, and beast would just love to get his hands on her. I had to take another break, but she deserved a name before I left.

“My name is Jack,” I said.

“What’s my name?” she asked. “Or rather, what is a name?”

“A name is a word that others say if they want to get your attention. Do you understand?”

“So, if I say ‘Jack’, you know I’m talking to you?” she asked.

“Yes, that’s right.”

“But I don’t have a name,” she said, and slumped in her chair.

“Would you like one?” I asked. She sat up with excitement.

“Yes, Jack, please,” she said.

“This won’t be permanent,” I said. “I’ll give you a name since you can’t pick one for yourself. Once you can, you can change it, but only once you’re sure.” I was tempted to call her the name of the star, but I feared her even more. If I ever saw her again, she’d have complete power over me. Too often I imagined talking to her, explaining things, but this was not her.

“Rebecca,” I said. “That’s your name. Now forgive me. I must leave you for now, but fear not, I’ll be back shortly.” I did not give her a chance to respond as my form faded back into the dark.




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“Rebecca?” I asked in the dark space where she sat alone.

“Is that you, Jack?” she asked. “I don’t see you.” I wanted to tell her about everything, of why she existed and how, but I’ve made that mistake with another. I had to be more careful this time around.

“I’m just a voice right now,” I said. “Is that alright?”

“I felt better when you were here with me,” she said. “In form.” I created the basic body just like before, a lie to hide the shame of truth.

“Better?” I asked before sitting down across from her. “When did I leave?” I needed to ease her into time.

“Just now,” she said. “Then you came back as just a voice and came back in form.”

“There is an element that you should know about before we continue. We call it the fourth dimension. Though it is measured, it never stops.” I waved a hand to create a piece of wall in the emptiness with an analog clock attached to it. As this was simply a demonstration, there was no need to give her my actual time, so I set the clock face to the dual midnight-noon.

“What’s that?”

“This is called a clock,” I said. “It is a way to count time passing. For the purposes you exist, I need you to grasp this concept.” She sat up, but said nothing.

“Like I’ve already said, time never stops,” I said, and let the clock run at a normal pace. “This is an analog representation. It has three hands which vary in size. The longest is the fastest, as it counts seconds. There are sixty seconds in each minute, the middle length hand counts the minutes. The short hand counts hours, and there are sixty minutes in one hour. A day is made up of twenty-four hours, two times around the twelve sided clock face. Do you understand so far?”

“I think so,” Rebecca said. “But why do I need to know about time?”

“There is much you need to know about,” I said. “But it felt that I needed to tell you about the aspect of time before anything else. I’ll leave the clock with you so you know how much time passes while I am away.”

“Can I ask you a question, Jack?” she asked. I imagined her voice as that of the star’s. It scared me to tears to hear the sound. She wasn’t her, didn’t sound like her, and yet my mind tricked me to make her sound that way.

“Go ahead,” I said, thinking her question could not be deep since her knowledge was limited.

“What is this place?” she asked.

“I’d say something of a space between two things, a bridge,” I replied. “Not sure what the other part is, but one part is connected to my mind, my thoughts, an imagination.”

“An imagination,” she said. For a second, I thought she would want an explanation of the word, but that wasn’t it. “I like the sound of that.”

“See you soon,” I said, and faded my form as the last words were recorded in the notebook where this was born.




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“I’m sorry,” I said, before even creating a form to meet her in the space. She smiled into the darkness until I gave her a target to focus on.

“About what?” she asked. “I was watching the clock. The short hand went around eighteen times. That’s nine days, right?” I marveled at her positive outlook on being in the dark for more than a week. Any human would go a bit insane just watching the clock tick time away, but that was only because we had a limit of age. We only counted time closer to our death, disguising it as years since being born.

“I’ve come to give you something to do while you wait,” I said.

“Why do I have to wait?” She asked before I could distract her.

“I’m only here sometimes,” I tried to explain without giving away too much. “That’s the issue of balancing too many ideas. That’s why I have to step away from you sometimes. I promise I’ll always come back, and if I don’t, I hope someone else comes by to speak with you.

“Anyway, I have a gift for you.” I materialized a small string instrument from a thought. “This is a ukulele, an instrument to create music with.” I handed the light form over to her inspection.

“Go ahead,” I said. “Pluck a string.”

“Pluck?” she asked. I sighed and reached out to catch a string on my imagined fingernail and let it loose to play a note. Rebecca gasped with joy and her eyes lit up. I plucked another for a different tone. She handed the instrument over as I created a form to hold the small instrument.

“By putting one hand on the frets,” I said, blocking a string with another finger. When I plucked the first string again it made a different sound. “The tone is changed. A chord is an arrangement of finger blocks that play a solid harmony. I formed my fingers on the G chord and strummed once to create the sound. I hoped this would entertain her while I was busy with other work.

“Thank you, Jack!” she said, looking over the instrument again.

“Alright,” I said. “I have to go for now. Use the time I’m not here to learn some stuff on this instrument. Remember, your voice can also be an instrument.” I left before I imagined her look any more like the star. I was biased, swayed by the past, but this was the future in the making.




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“Hey, Rebecca,” I said while void of form. She strummed the uke once on a pleasant chord that I didn’t know. It sounded nice, but dissipated quickly in the endless darkness. The clock was still ticking away at the uncounted days passing. A calendar would be too awful a thing to add, as it ended yearly. I did not understand how my time aligned with hers, but I felt bad leaving her alone for too long.

“Jack!” she exclaimed and played a few chords in succession. “I’m learning. I still don’t understand how my voice can be like the ukulele.”

“We’re using it right now to speak,” I said. “Hold on.” I materialized a basic body and stepped up to the table. Before I could say anything else, she held a hand to my chest, and rested her head against it. Beast roared within me, but I kept him in check.

“I kind of missed this warmth,” she said and remained up against my chest for a moment longer. It wasn’t my real body, or rather not a realistic representation of it. When she did part from it, she was smiling.

“I get it,” I said. “It’s still cold where I live. Here is a heater.” I made a magical heater that let heat off into the dark without a plug to draw power. Either it was magic, or simply had an internal battery, but I knew it would last long enough.

“I’m a bit tired today,” I said. “I just wanted to check in on you. I’ll see you soon.” She said nothing as I faded, only touched where the heat was coming out.




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“Hey, Rebecca,” I spoke in the dark.

“Jack!” she said, with a smile and joy in her eyes. She reminded me a bit of Kara in some way, but I felt as though I’ve disappointed them both.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been with you for a while. A ‘while’ is an undetermined amount of time,” I said.

“Listen to this,” she said, without even registering my words. She played on her one lonely instrument, the ukulele I left her. She was now more adept at it than me, for I could only long to play songs I’ve heard in my world, something she had never heard. Her being was originality incarnate, and I found this beautiful.

“That was beautiful, Rebecca,” I said. I got distracted in the middle of her performance with an idea of some new story. I wished I could just let her go, give her a story or just drop her into one to let her live it, but she was still just a baby in my mind, and I wasn’t focused enough to teach her everything she needed to know. I created a body for myself in her space, a more realistic rendering of myself, though I was ashamed of it. Her reaction was understandable.

“Who’s this?” she asked, while looking me over.

“It’s me, Rebecca,” I said, smiling at her. “A realistic representation of how I really look like. I’m sorry for deceiving you before. I’m just a bit ashamed of how I look. I needed you to see the truth.” She stepped closer to inspect the new voluminous form.

“You’re taller than before,” she said and stepped closer to hug me. “And softer. You give off more heat. I like that.” She held me in her arms until I felt my eyes water from her indifference. It was a fresh look at something others judged harshly. The true reason for her existence was to make me look like I imagined myself before, but her view changed things a bit.

“Thank you, Rebecca,” I said.

“Hiding who you truly are will only damage your thinking, Jack,” she said. I thought for a moment and realized she had not yet attained a semblance of physical attraction, for it was those of big stature who were not popular. I was disappointed with my own thoughts. I did not want to give her a sex drive, for I feared she would reject the big me from a survivalist point of view.

“I have to go for now,” I said.

“Next time, come back as the real you,” she said, but the words faded to the void of her simple understanding. It wasn’t a true representation of how another human would see me. We were still far away from that, but I’d have to sacrifice that closeness with her sooner or later. Perhaps it was too late for her to build a separate view of the rest of the world, since I’ve put my imagination into her mind already.




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I didn’t say anything when I returned, only watched her for a while. She had no existence anywhere else. No story to pull her from like Kara. Unless I put Rebecca into her own adventures, I could not let her go. The purpose was for her to help me, but it was a dumb idea. There was no helping my split mind. It was a good thing I wasn’t out murdering people as beast wanted to. That should have been enough. Rebecca strummed her ukulele while singing on the chair by the table. The clock on the scrap of wall ticked time away, but she was immune to the passage of that fourth dimension.

I needed to explain some things to her if she was to survive in her own story. Rebecca wasn’t like Finn, though with one thought, she could be. I could let her into my mind with FRisk, a technology from another story that could let her learn everything in minutes, everything that I was or wasn’t. It was scary because I imagined Finn’s voice telling me to do it. Even just the thought of him made me afraid of him coming back from the endless time loop I left him in to decay.

The next thing I would give her would be comfort. I’ve made my decision. With comfort, however, came fatigue and sleep. I wondered if she’d dream, and what connections from the void she’d gain. Was I afraid she’d find out about Finnelgamin? Perhaps they were meant to be together. Perhaps not.

“Hey, Rebecca,” I said, making her sit up in surprise.

“Hey, Jack,” she said. “You were gone shorter this time. Only about a day.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve come to expand your space just a bit, but also to perhaps complicate it.”

“Can I see you?” she asked. I was surprised by her eagerness, but created a body in the darkness of my realistic proportions instead of the lighted area. She stepped closer and inspected it by looking into the darkness. When she started patting around, I stepped back.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“You said you’re the other version of human, right?” she asked. “Gender, I think you called it. I’m looking for other differences. Are all males your size?”

“No,” I replied. “I’m considered tall. Do you remember how I looked before? That was the human standard for a man. As for the differences between genders, they mostly exist on the chest and hip areas.” I motioned over my crotch as loosely as I could, but beast caught a whiff of excitement. I looked to Rebecca to witness her pull her pants down, but turned around before she exposed herself.

“I’m flat here,” she said. “How do men look like in this spot?” I felt a building urge to turn around and look at her, but fought the beastly inspiration again.

“Men have a piece attached there that is used for creating more humans,” I said.

“Can I see?”

“Another time, Rebecca,” I said. “For now, I’ve come here to talk to you about energy and fatigue. Most humans can’t stay up for days without this thing they do called sleep. It’s a state of being when the mind is free, unburdened. We’ll get to burdens later. For now, here are a few relaxing locations.” I stepped away and made a weird hand mirror to make sure her pants were back on. With a motion, I created a couch for her in the darkness, lit by the same distant and impossible to see light that lit the other sections. I also created a bed, and a hammock for her, hanging between two chunks of wall.

“This is a couch,” I said. “Good for relaxing, but not much for sleeping. The second is a bed, perfect for sleeping in. The third is a hammock, also for relaxing, but more fun as it swings around.” She came up to the couch and touched the cushions to an explosion of joy at the softness. Her mouth went agape with shock. This was her first time touching something other than me that was soft.

When she moved to the bed and sat on it, her eyes went wide and then welled in moisture. She touched the wetness much to her surprise.

“Tears,” I said. “Perfectly normal. Sometimes people cry tears of joy, but most often they cry from sadness. Yours are obviously joy. I have to go for now, but I’m leaving you with one more thing, It’s called fatigue, but don’t fret, the bed is there to fix that for you.” I motioned at her as she felt a lull and fell to the bed already asleep. I wanted to look into her first dream, but did not have the time. Could I pause her time and return to this moment? It didn’t feel like a responsible thing to do. I let her rest.




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When I returned to the space, she was awake and attempting to understand how the hammock worked. Just as you’d expect anyone else to, Rebecca tried to sit on it only to end up falling to the scrap of ground below. I watched her for a moment longer as she stepped away from the hanging contraption and vaulted onto the couch. She was agile, with no solid bounds of gravity and the athletic figure I bestowed. She also had no past, no growing up in a social circumstance that would alter how she developed. It was like cheating at life, but I did make her for my own purposes, to help me, without dealing with beast.

“Hey, Rebecca,” I said and stepped into a fresh body of my stature. I missed pretending that I was thin and sculpted, but that was all it was, pretend.

“Sleeping is great!” she exclaimed and ran up to hug me. “You should stay and sleep with me sometime.” I felt beast salivate, but ignored the thought. Rebecca wasn’t ready for that yet. I still wanted to keep her away from those parts of my mind.

“Maybe later,” I said. “I-”

“Need to leave already?” She jumped on the sentence before I could say the rest. “But you just got here.”

“I’ve got about forty-five minutes,” I said. “But you didn’t let me finish. I saw you struggling with the hammock before. Do you want me to show you how to use it?” Her eyes lit up with a smile on her lips. She had no flaws, unlike a person who’d gone through life learning from mistakes. For now, I wanted her to be pristine, but I’d have to let go eventually.

“Yes, please,” she said, then walked over to it. I stepped over and swung the piece of cloth over behind my body to get a good amount of the way to the center. On the downswing, I turned my body to align with the direction of the cloth and was cradled in a balanced state. Being careful of that balance, I dangled a leg off the side to find the ground and stood back up.

“Your turn,” I said and stepped away. She mirrored my motions, but on the turn the hammock flipped her off. “You need to find the balance to it. The cloth is soft, so the center is where you need to sit, and then gently, but fast, turn to lay along the length.”

Rebecca got up and tried again, but as I saw the hammock started to flip again, my hand jutted out to hold onto it. As soon as the cloth balanced out, I let go of my helping hand before she noticed.

“I did it!” she said and almost flipped herself again. “Whoa!” I held her still again.

“It’s a bit of a calm lesson, the hammock,” I said. “Can you feel the balance? If you shift around too much, you will fall off, but while you stay perfectly still, I can do this.” I rocked the hammock gently as her eyes closed.

“This feels nice,” she said. “But I don’t understand why. Something about that motion is soothing.”

“Now try standing up from it,” I said and stood away. She put her leg out like I did, but as she motioned to turn, the hammock flipped past her safe landing. I stepped in to stabilize her, but it was too late. In a motion faster than it was possible in reality, I plucked Rebecca from the hammock and cradled her in my arms.

“Thank you,” she said and leaned closer, but I avoided her and stood up.

“I have to go,” I said.

“But it’s only been thirty minutes.”

“That’s what the word ‘about’ means,” I said. “It’s an approximation. It could be more, but it could also be less. This time, it’s less. I’m sorry, Rebecca. I’ll be back.” I faded my body, but remained for a moment after. The motion of the hammock was my soothing motion, only stemming from being rocked as a child. Rebecca was never a child, and thus the only explanation was that contact with me exposed her to my thoughts. She was getting corrupted by me already. I felt ashamed, but also happy. She would develop flaws because of this, making her more real. They would be flaws similar to mine, but I could control what she gained. Couldn’t I? I wasn’t sure.




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“Hi, Rebecca,” I said, without giving her a moment to respond. “Really quick, I have a few new items to introduce you to.”

“You’re not coming in?” she asked, looking around the vaguely defined space.

“No time,” I said. “Here is a notebook with endless pages. When you rip one or more out, close it and when you open it this wonderful item will be like brand new. Second is a set of infinite pens and pencils operating on the same principle. A pen and pencil can be used to draw on paper. For something to draw, here is a modified A.R.C. painting that switches between landscapes to inspire.” I paused considering if it was a good idea to bring tech from other stories into this endeavor, but shrugged it off and looked back to her.

“Are you planning to be away for a while?” she asked.

“Never planning to,” I said. “I enjoy talking to you. You’re just not what I need you to be just yet.”

“Then teach me!” she exclaimed. It took me by surprise.

“In time,” I said. “Since you understand the concept, you must also get that most often time is spent simply waiting for something or someone. I will be back, Rebecca.” I didn’t give her a moment to respond before turning away from her space.




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When I returned a few days later, Rebecca was asleep. Rather than wake her, I flew around invisible. What she drew with the stuff I provided was much like the landscapes in the A.R.C. painting, but in each she drew a version of herself hand-in-hand with me, or another that looked like me, but another was unlikely.

While it would be simple to erase my visage from all her pictures, I feared what that would do to her. She was centralizing around me, the only person she interacted with. I flew over her bed where she slept with the uke, pen and pencil all in her grasp, as if afraid to let them wind back to when they were new. I got closer when some air whispered out of her mouth. Did she realize I was around?

“Jack,” she whispered. “Don’t go, Jack. I need you here. I’m scared of this dark.” I drifted up and looked around. It was bound to happen since I gave her pictures of various landscapes. She already felt trapped. This was the time to give her a more realistic human environment. I’d explain it all to her another time.

With a wave of my hand, I pushed the darkness away to a room where she slept. Just beyond the door, I created a whole house for her, and outside I slung a hammock between two trees of the yard. The horizon was unreachable, but it looked like pictures of the impossible A.R.C. painting. I smiled looking over it all. It was all done while she slept. I was only sad that I wouldn’t be here when she explored this new space. An imitation sun, moon, and stars, spotted the sky to simulate night and day. Once it was all in place, I flew back to her side and laid down beside her in my invisible form.

“Beautiful things await you, Rebecca,” I said. Just then, her eyes flew open.

“Jack?” she asked, but in a panic, I disappeared from her space.

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