A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

I came back the next day without hesitation. Part of me forgot about the memory inside Tarne’s mind, but when I entered the library, it all came rolling back with an impact. I could not leave now that Lila saw me. She sat on the third to lowest stair alone. “Hey,” I said. She did not look up from her dejected pose. I half expected her to ash a stress copy right then and there. “How’s Tarne?” “Is she even Tarne anymore?” Lila murmured almost inaudible. If there had been any other sound around us right now, I would not have been able to discern the words. “Will she ever be the same person?” Lila’s eyes watered while looking up at me. “Of course she will be,” I consoled blindly. “I don’t know, Jack,” she said. “Akier seems to have a very strong reason to latch onto her. He can’t face what he did to his own daughter, so now pretends that Tarne is Gemmy. How do you even tear apart that delusion? Wouldn’t that just make him a billion times madder if we make him face the truth? Just try to im...

…everyone. Fyntn was by my side, looking depressed with his ears sagging to the floor. His eyes churned with gold, which dripped down and splashed on the floor, solidifying in a splash of that bright yellow precious metal. Lila was standing with Kara, hands clasped together looking up to the missing ceiling. Above was a wriggling dark, only illuminated by the light the library gave. “Why did you come back?” Fyntn asked. “I tried to save you. I tried to get you back to your world. Why did you come back, Jack?” I held his hand, watching a gold tear fall onto my hand and scorch it as the gold solidified before I could pry it off. The heat seared off the top layers of skin already, pulling like strings that would hurt in reality. I was only glad I could not feel this pain. “You didn’t answer my question,” I said, and shrugged with a smile. “That was stupid,” he said, but his mouth formed a subtle smile in response. “Tarne is—“ “Somewhere in there, right?” I asked, pointing to the wriggling...

I came back a few days later, uncertain of what I wanted to say to Lila. It would just have to come to me in the moment. I entered the library from the front door instead of the “basement” box it all originated from. It looked empty, but I knew it was not. The fact that it was still around, meant that the Rahin had not come back to destroy everything. This meant that Fyntn was still hanging around, with Kelio. “Hey,” a voice took me by surprise from behind me. It was Lila, at the open door to the darkness. “I was just sitting on the stoop when you arrived. Did I surprise you?” “Yeah, a bit,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting anyone past the confines of the library. I should be aware of that though, seeing as there are void leeches out in the dark.” “Most of them are lost, aimless,” Lila said, sounding so sure that I wanted to ask if she was ok. “I— I’m sorry about before.” “No, it’s ok,” I said. “It’s my issue. I’ve suppressed my urges for a very long time. I’m too afraid of just letting go ...

I came back the next day to check in with them, maybe give drawing Lila another try. I wished for their happiness above all, and my presence could only cause some sort of trouble. It would not be long before Kara took Lila and Tarne away from this place, but I dreaded that moment. Back when Lila was just a prisoner to the denizens of the Infinity Void, her presence was assured for years to come. I actually thought I would watch Tarne grow, or grow up as Lila’s daughter over years she would remain in untethered space. That felt distant now. When I entered the library, Lila sat on the stairs to the second floor alone. She looked like she was waiting for someone. I almost expected to find Lila and Kara in bed, enjoying their relationship, but Kara was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Tarne. “Hey, Lila,” I said, walking up to her. She did not look up to meet my eyes. “I’m glad Kara told you how she felt.” “I’m glad, too,” she said. I wanted to ask her why she looked so sad if that was t...

Days following the appearance of Barc with Kara, I returned to the writing device, but not into the untethered space. I hesitated here, outside the place of beginnings, the raw material for everything, where those of such heavy inner turmoil went to become something else entirely. I said that my creationism network could help those void leeches incorporate back into the end result of everything, the pools of information that I knew the Infinity Void to be, but now I hesitated. It sounded like the mystery of Mr. Barcode’s task, a great undertaking. Even if I would somehow be able to become my own, dissociated from Tarne, could I commit to something like that? There could not be many of these leeches. They were rare beings of indigestible chaos, the cruxes of unnerved time. I had to wonder if Akier Vil Moredo was one such being, and if Kara ever silenced his meddling. Perhaps I had to ask. Whether she told me the truth was another matter. I was at their mercy, weakened even though within...

I came back the next day, in the morning. As my computer demanded a restart for updates, I turned to the writing device only to find it less useful in forgetting the world exists around me. I figured I would check on Kara and Lila’s progress of removing me from Tarne, but was that really what I wanted? It was a chance to embody an actual woman, learn everything women had to go through as they grew up. Maybe it was a safety net for my soul when I would leave my own world. That still did not explain who Tarne really was when I was not there. From what I knew of that body, she was my type of human. I had nothing between my legs extra, from the times I had been around for Lila changing my diaper, but no opening on the upper back like Lila’s kind as far as I knew. The fact that I was diapered was clearly because I was a human child. I vaguely recalled Lila saying something about how her kind does not defecate, only compact and incinerate all food waste prior to it leaving the body. I arrive...