A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

I came back the next day to check on Lila’s progress, hoping she did not rush through the whole thing. The sequel saw me in a bad light, then a bit of good, then a lot of bad. I was sure it ended on a bad note, but remembered that Rebecca left behind a laptop of recordings, something I asked her to do to keep track of the things I missed by being away from her. The laptop I disintegrated after Lila put her effort to record my expanded ideas into. I blipped into the library and panned over the whole space to see if Lila came back inside. “Hey,” said a voice from above. I turned to find Kara leaning over the second floor railing, as she often did. I wondered if she had back pain like me. “Seen Lila around? It’s her turn teaching Tarne.” “She’s probably reading in the garden,” I replied. “Teaching?” “What did you do now?” She asked. “What is she reading?” “Just a book, a story from the many I’ve written,” I lied. “Uh-huh, like I’d believe that,” Kara said. “If I had to warrant a guess, yo...

I came back a few days later, uncertain of what I wanted to say to Lila. It would just have to come to me in the moment. I entered the library from the front door instead of the “basement” box it all originated from. It looked empty, but I knew it was not. The fact that it was still around, meant that the Rahin had not come back to destroy everything. This meant that Fyntn was still hanging around, with Kelio. “Hey,” a voice took me by surprise from behind me. It was Lila, at the open door to the darkness. “I was just sitting on the stoop when you arrived. Did I surprise you?” “Yeah, a bit,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting anyone past the confines of the library. I should be aware of that though, seeing as there are void leeches out in the dark.” “Most of them are lost, aimless,” Lila said, sounding so sure that I wanted to ask if she was ok. “I— I’m sorry about before.” “No, it’s ok,” I said. “It’s my issue. I’ve suppressed my urges for a very long time. I’m too afraid of just letting go ...

I returned next week, having forgotten about whether I talked to Lila or not. The routine of the week absorbed me entirely, and the relaxation of the weekend took the wind out of me. I was back at the start of work on a Monday, before I had things to do. It was not a lot of time, but I still wanted to talk to Lila. I entered the library to a cacophony of voices arguing. It was a strange change of pace to the silence. I was unsure whether this was better, but it sure made me curious as I ascended the spiral staircase out of the old spawn chamber. The people arguing were Kara and a slew of people I had not seen before. They wore all black clothing. Nothing of their ensemble stood out in the light with a brighter hue. Neither Tarne nor Lila were anywhere to be seen, and I was glad of this. “It’s NOT a violation of the rules!” Kara argued. “He didn’t steal her! The Kier put her here, to be a prisoner!” Her hands flailed about to express the anger on her face. “It is a violation in a way th...

I had not returned in weeks. Why bother? Kara and Lila were happy with Tarne. I was the third wheel, fourth now. I was back for a specific reason, but had a feeling I would not be able to complete my goal. For the sake of remembering Lila, I wanted to draw her. I had been drawing things, since I did not know anyone who could help me illustrate things in my writing. I would have to be able to put my ideas on paper myself, in more than just description. I still sucked at describing things. My mind sourced my words on things I have seen, which differed person to person. To appeal to mass populace, writers often used long-winded descriptions based on common life objects that anyone with an ounce of imagination could picture. I just could not patchwork it all to make sense, but drawing would help me with that. When I arrived at the space created from the remnant of Rebecca’s domain, I found the library empty. The upstairs and the attic were equally still. I even knocked at the door to the b...

Days following the appearance of Barc with Kara, I returned to the writing device, but not into the untethered space. I hesitated here, outside the place of beginnings, the raw material for everything, where those of such heavy inner turmoil went to become something else entirely. I said that my creationism network could help those void leeches incorporate back into the end result of everything, the pools of information that I knew the Infinity Void to be, but now I hesitated. It sounded like the mystery of Mr. Barcode’s task, a great undertaking. Even if I would somehow be able to become my own, dissociated from Tarne, could I commit to something like that? There could not be many of these leeches. They were rare beings of indigestible chaos, the cruxes of unnerved time. I had to wonder if Akier Vil Moredo was one such being, and if Kara ever silenced his meddling. Perhaps I had to ask. Whether she told me the truth was another matter. I was at their mercy, weakened even though within...

I came back the next day, in the morning. As my computer demanded a restart for updates, I turned to the writing device only to find it less useful in forgetting the world exists around me. I figured I would check on Kara and Lila’s progress of removing me from Tarne, but was that really what I wanted? It was a chance to embody an actual woman, learn everything women had to go through as they grew up. Maybe it was a safety net for my soul when I would leave my own world. That still did not explain who Tarne really was when I was not there. From what I knew of that body, she was my type of human. I had nothing between my legs extra, from the times I had been around for Lila changing my diaper, but no opening on the upper back like Lila’s kind as far as I knew. The fact that I was diapered was clearly because I was a human child. I vaguely recalled Lila saying something about how her kind does not defecate, only compact and incinerate all food waste prior to it leaving the body. I arrive...

I had been dreading returning to this. A stray thought exploded in the possibility of what could be waiting for me. What I knew of the Infinity Void, and what came before. There was no happy ending to this escape from mediocrity. I forced my way into something beyond me, above the standard practice of counting time. I did not belong here. I belonged to a world in utter chaos, seeking a place to call home with every fiber of my being, yet afraid to ask for help. Again, I stepped into the body that did not belong to me, among the darkness I was left in, with a mind of endless pouring a torrent of ideas over my broken brain. :Hey, Lila,: I texted as I opened my eyes to the ceiling of the library I imagined burning at one point. I was alone. The phone buzzed against wood nearby, not in Lila’s hand. With a bit of rocking side to side, I managed to force weak baby muscles to sit up. I had no sense of balance, and almost fell back against the wooden desk, but a hand caught my naked back with ...

I came back reluctantly, at odds with myself. My mind wavered between a blissful ignorance of the world going to shit and the stark panic that tortured my sleep. Maybe it was something else that tortured my sleep. I wanted it to be Garavand, in the dark of the room shifting me awake in the middle of the night as a joke to keep me tired, but it was far more likely to be some mouse looking for food in the winter times. Otherwise, it was my stressed mind, wondering what I could do to make enough money to keep a roof over my head in the coming months. Here I was again, at the device for entertainment, for work, just writing of my own insanity Part 3. I wanted it to be the final part, but seeing as Lila would be with me for years of my life, I felt this final arbitration of me would not be wrapped up here. Not to mention that I was still a part of Tarne, Lila’s child. I had to figure out a way to exist apart from her, though I had a feeling that I would always somehow exist within the confi...