A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

Past the Thanksgiving weekend, I sat once more at the device with an idea derived from six hours of waiting for someone to open the door to where I lived. It was a three-step plan for dealing with Kara. I hoped the third step would not be necessary. If the first step worked, I would not need the rest. It was more of a one step plan with two contingencies in case of failure. It was a real if-then-if-then-if-then scenario, with the last “then” drawing a blank. In programming, that would error out, but here it was the last line of defense, the third “if” being the exterminating final bullet to the problem Kara presented. I entered the library almost confident. I would be throwing emotions I had to field from Tarne back at Kara. I was interested in seeing how she felt after getting comfortable with the kid. It broke my heart. Maybe it could melt the ice around Kara’s wounded one. All she could see now was anger for what happened to James at the hands of someone very much gone. When I got u...

I came back a week or so later. My time was spent writing other things, from Voltra to Anton and Moira . They were stories for a younger generation, each weaving problems of future strife they had to overcome without notice. I stepped into the library in physical form. It was nice to be here where heat was not. My reality was experiencing those last few days of summer heat before the burst into the fall season. Sleep in 100% humidity at 80 degrees Fahrenheit was a struggle, but it was all at an end. Before long, rains would proliferate the sky day and night. The library was empty, as it often was. The space was big, and the people who sometimes occupied it were few. When Rebecca divided herself into ten separate versions of herself, it felt lively in the library. Not to mention that the library was actually a flying vessel back then. I could still put the building into that mode, but I feared creating another world populated with the things I gathered from the ivy. That thinking almos...

I came back the next day without hesitation. Part of me forgot about the memory inside Tarne’s mind, but when I entered the library, it all came rolling back with an impact. I could not leave now that Lila saw me. She sat on the third to lowest stair alone. “Hey,” I said. She did not look up from her dejected pose. I half expected her to ash a stress copy right then and there. “How’s Tarne?” “Is she even Tarne anymore?” Lila murmured almost inaudible. If there had been any other sound around us right now, I would not have been able to discern the words. “Will she ever be the same person?” Lila’s eyes watered while looking up at me. “Of course she will be,” I consoled blindly. “I don’t know, Jack,” she said. “Akier seems to have a very strong reason to latch onto her. He can’t face what he did to his own daughter, so now pretends that Tarne is Gemmy. How do you even tear apart that delusion? Wouldn’t that just make him a billion times madder if we make him face the truth? Just try to im...

I came back the next day without an idea how to fix the mess I possibly created by myself. If only there was a way for Akier to forget he ever was his past life. If he could just go back to being Tarne… It would not work. Kara would know. Lila would, too. I wanted a rewrite, to stop myself from bringing these events on. Was it my mind seeking to destroy happiness for entertainment? Yet, it still felt like healing, like understanding myself. I have come a long way from Finnelgamin. Even though Rebecca was the true surgery of my psyche, Lila was the rehabilitation. Is. I entered the library to find Lila holding Tarne in a headlock. I rushed to separate them, and pulled Lila aside. “What was that?” I asked. “He’s not supposed to be here!” Lila exclaimed. “I want my daughter back! You hear that, you monster piece of shit? Get the fuck out of my daughter’s body!” “Lila,” I said, forcing her to meet my eyes. “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s always been him. When I wasn’t Tarne, the emp...

I came back the next day to check on Lila’s progress, hoping she did not rush through the whole thing. The sequel saw me in a bad light, then a bit of good, then a lot of bad. I was sure it ended on a bad note, but remembered that Rebecca left behind a laptop of recordings, something I asked her to do to keep track of the things I missed by being away from her. The laptop I disintegrated after Lila put her effort to record my expanded ideas into. I blipped into the library and panned over the whole space to see if Lila came back inside. “Hey,” said a voice from above. I turned to find Kara leaning over the second floor railing, as she often did. I wondered if she had back pain like me. “Seen Lila around? It’s her turn teaching Tarne.” “She’s probably reading in the garden,” I replied. “Teaching?” “What did you do now?” She asked. “What is she reading?” “Just a book, a story from the many I’ve written,” I lied. “Uh-huh, like I’d believe that,” Kara said. “If I had to warrant a guess, yo...

I came back the next day to check in with them, maybe give drawing Lila another try. I wished for their happiness above all, and my presence could only cause some sort of trouble. It would not be long before Kara took Lila and Tarne away from this place, but I dreaded that moment. Back when Lila was just a prisoner to the denizens of the Infinity Void, her presence was assured for years to come. I actually thought I would watch Tarne grow, or grow up as Lila’s daughter over years she would remain in untethered space. That felt distant now. When I entered the library, Lila sat on the stairs to the second floor alone. She looked like she was waiting for someone. I almost expected to find Lila and Kara in bed, enjoying their relationship, but Kara was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Tarne. “Hey, Lila,” I said, walking up to her. She did not look up to meet my eyes. “I’m glad Kara told you how she felt.” “I’m glad, too,” she said. I wanted to ask her why she looked so sad if that was t...