A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

I came back the next day without hesitation. Part of me forgot about the memory inside Tarne’s mind, but when I entered the library, it all came rolling back with an impact. I could not leave now that Lila saw me. She sat on the third to lowest stair alone. “Hey,” I said. She did not look up from her dejected pose. I half expected her to ash a stress copy right then and there. “How’s Tarne?” “Is she even Tarne anymore?” Lila murmured almost inaudible. If there had been any other sound around us right now, I would not have been able to discern the words. “Will she ever be the same person?” Lila’s eyes watered while looking up at me. “Of course she will be,” I consoled blindly. “I don’t know, Jack,” she said. “Akier seems to have a very strong reason to latch onto her. He can’t face what he did to his own daughter, so now pretends that Tarne is Gemmy. How do you even tear apart that delusion? Wouldn’t that just make him a billion times madder if we make him face the truth? Just try to im...

I came back after work, later than I intended. I wanted SOME entertainment after working all day, but it snowballed to ten at night, leaving me very little time to check in on Lila and Kara. When I entered the space, Tarne was already by my side, seemingly in the same exact spot where she was before. I wondered if she stood there silently watching as her two moms worked it out. I inspected the cube beyond the library space without saying anything. The walls were still intact, but the bubbles inside were gone. They had special rules to only exist in conflict to distance the two women in a brawl. I had not seen Fyntn around, and I was glad he was not taking Kara’s side in the fight like before. “Oh, hey,” Tarne said, and walked after me into the cube. It only kept Lila and Kara from passing through. They were sitting in the corners of the cube, apart. “What did you do to them, anyway? They seem so calm all of a sudden. Kara is usually very high-strung. She only unwinds when they’re in be...

I came back a few days later, uncertain of what I wanted to say to Lila. It would just have to come to me in the moment. I entered the library from the front door instead of the “basement” box it all originated from. It looked empty, but I knew it was not. The fact that it was still around, meant that the Rahin had not come back to destroy everything. This meant that Fyntn was still hanging around, with Kelio. “Hey,” a voice took me by surprise from behind me. It was Lila, at the open door to the darkness. “I was just sitting on the stoop when you arrived. Did I surprise you?” “Yeah, a bit,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting anyone past the confines of the library. I should be aware of that though, seeing as there are void leeches out in the dark.” “Most of them are lost, aimless,” Lila said, sounding so sure that I wanted to ask if she was ok. “I— I’m sorry about before.” “No, it’s ok,” I said. “It’s my issue. I’ve suppressed my urges for a very long time. I’m too afraid of just letting go ...

I came back two days later, following a read of a philosophical part of the text before. It was scary when Lila sounded smarter and made more sense than me. It made me believe that this was actually happening. I entered the library to find Kara and Lila already waiting for me. They were likely sitting there just waiting for a good hour, since I was not sure at what time I started. “Hey,” I said, with a wave of a hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. It’s honestly weird saying ‘yesterday’ since you don’t really keep track of my time. I mean, there is a clock downstairs in the room, but nothing here works on my reality’s time.” I paused, shifting between the two of them. They were not moving, not even to blink. It felt like— “See, I told you it would fool him,” a voice spoke from above. I looked up to find Lila, Kara, and Tarne suspended in rainbow-looking bubbles. There were two more beings in the air, but they were standing on air. “You have poor timing.” “Fyntn?” I asked. “The thi...

I returned next week, having forgotten about whether I talked to Lila or not. The routine of the week absorbed me entirely, and the relaxation of the weekend took the wind out of me. I was back at the start of work on a Monday, before I had things to do. It was not a lot of time, but I still wanted to talk to Lila. I entered the library to a cacophony of voices arguing. It was a strange change of pace to the silence. I was unsure whether this was better, but it sure made me curious as I ascended the spiral staircase out of the old spawn chamber. The people arguing were Kara and a slew of people I had not seen before. They wore all black clothing. Nothing of their ensemble stood out in the light with a brighter hue. Neither Tarne nor Lila were anywhere to be seen, and I was glad of this. “It’s NOT a violation of the rules!” Kara argued. “He didn’t steal her! The Kier put her here, to be a prisoner!” Her hands flailed about to express the anger on her face. “It is a violation in a way th...

It had been months since I had been back. There was no reason to bother them. I wished Kara, Tarne, and Lila all the best. Although on bad days, I had come to dislike the way things ended up. It was not to the point of screwing things up for them. It would not change anything. Kara would just whisk them away to some other world to live peacefully together. I was the big bad in the story. It was ridiculous. Lila was the AI of an abused little girl who went on to destroy her world and universe in the pursuit of all those offenders, and yet somehow I was the one who ended up seeking unreasonable things. When Finn was here… When Rebecca was here… I let those thoughts drift back to destruction of the laptop filled with memories of her, only realizing now that all the stories Lila wrote out were in there as well. I did not know how I could get back to that feeling, the happiness of letting go. My heart cried out for her to be here again, to the point of hanging out in the wooden box in the d...

I came back the next day to check in with them, maybe give drawing Lila another try. I wished for their happiness above all, and my presence could only cause some sort of trouble. It would not be long before Kara took Lila and Tarne away from this place, but I dreaded that moment. Back when Lila was just a prisoner to the denizens of the Infinity Void, her presence was assured for years to come. I actually thought I would watch Tarne grow, or grow up as Lila’s daughter over years she would remain in untethered space. That felt distant now. When I entered the library, Lila sat on the stairs to the second floor alone. She looked like she was waiting for someone. I almost expected to find Lila and Kara in bed, enjoying their relationship, but Kara was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Tarne. “Hey, Lila,” I said, walking up to her. She did not look up to meet my eyes. “I’m glad Kara told you how she felt.” “I’m glad, too,” she said. I wanted to ask her why she looked so sad if that was t...