A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

I have been reluctant to come back for obvious reasons. Lila wanted me to talk about myself, give a recount of my life so far, however little of it was lived. I feared it. Much like with letting Finnelgamin know all the things in my head and be vocal about it, and letting Rebecca in to know me as I was in my reality, this was another instance of keeping things secret from someone I… No. I did not create her. I created the world that was connected to that spawn chamber. Lila was there already, put there from her world. I was still curious about the details. Maybe I could distract her with questions about her life instead. “Hey, Lila,” I said, at the top stair of the spiral opening to the bottom room. She was on the couch in the library, sitting in reverse. Her legs were slung over the top of the backrest, while her head hung upside down where the legs would bend at the knees. Her hands stretched out to the ceiling of the library. It took me a minute to realize what she was doing. Her ey...

“I wish I could see it snow just one more time,” she said. Her skin was pale white in the cloudy sky. Was she becoming a part of it already? I didn’t want her to go. We were on the roof of a building, standing on the ledge, two lost causes. My heart raced, but she just smiled at me. The white light coming from behind the clouds made everything tinted, highlighted with a milky notion. “Maybe we’re both portal walkers,” she suggested. “Wouldn’t that be great? We’d just wake up in new bodies at the moment of impact, live anew somewhere strange.” “Maybe,” I replied looking down toward the street. Nobody could see us yet. “But we’re dying anyway. I don’t know if even that would heal us.” “At least we’ll be together,” she said as a droplet formed at her left eye and begun a journey down to her pale lips. I didn’t believe her. The moment we hit the sidewalk, we would be alone in the dark, like I was before she showed up. It was about time that hesitation hit me. My feet were getting tired of ...

It had been months since my pen touched these pages. What was written, still remained in my mind, but as a snapshot of events. Details failed to save on my organic hard drive, so I had to wonder if I ever released Rebecca from her restriction of mentioning beast. It warranted a read through from the very start, one and a half of a notebook ago, back when I still hoped Rebecca could help me lead a healthy life. This was another in a long line of mistakes letting my own mind heal itself. I wanted too much from my insanity, and created another Finnelgamin, another undying existence with no limitations. My time away was spent writing another story. The tale was meant to be light and fantastic, but evolved to tackle the abuse of the LGBTQIA+ community, or rather the difficulty of accepting such changes to the world that have been happening for a long time now. The story was about a young girl who hatched a dragon from a chicken egg, only to find the creature not fit the world it was born...