Chapter 3 - A Broken Mind
I came back at the end of the day. After checking in on Rebecca, who was sleeping on the hammock outside, I created a form and entered the house to find the terrible trio, my mind of the past. For them, time stood still. In fact, time was still frozen around the house. The clock on the wall wasn’t ticking time anymore. It felt calming to be outside of time, even if only in my mind. This was a space where I could pretend I had no expiration date, there was nothing to keep me disciplined. I had no age, no rules to follow with regards to time. And yet, this escape was only created TO escape the predicament of Finnelgamin. I needed JJ to figure out how to get rid of him. Before that, a predicament of the outside world pulled me away once again.
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At the start of a new day, I came back to an opportune spot of the real world, and yet the surroundings seemed to be screaming at me not to do this. I could only turn up my music and proceed into the place where time stood still, where the lost Rebecca stumbled around as Finn did the same, hindered. I created a form right away this time. Rebecca was not on the hammock, so I approached the house to visit as if a normal person. After a few knocks and a ring to the doorbell, I heard some footsteps approach. I was so ready for it to be Rebecca that when the person answering did not turn out to be her, it made me jump back. It wasn’t Finnelgamin either.
“Well, hey,” Kara said, and held the door open for me to walk in. “Nice to finally meet you, JJ, at least a part of you.” She motioned her hand at the parts of my mind that I trapped.
“How are you here?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be out in the void looking for your old man?” She ignored my questions and came up to the cage frozen in time.
“It’s not really healthy to divide your mind,” she continued. “But then you sealed them away here by sheer coincidence. That’s a step forward to a healthier life. And yet, I’m here, Jack.” I walked up to her and touched her shoulder. Did the remains of my mind snap at last? Before my hand touched down, Kara grabbed it and flipped me to the ground.
“Women have all the power now,” she said. “It’s kind of a trend where you are, the real outside. That’s how you found me to reach my origin story and James Denizen. But, see, you really screwed it up with Rebecca. She came from the void, right? She was a voice in the dark, wasn’t she?” She paused as I got back to my feet.
“Yes,” I said. “But doesn’t that just mean that she came from my mind, my imagination?”
“As you’ve stated in your poor definition of the Infinity Void,” she replied, “There IS no imagination, no original thought. It’s an illusion to think something has not been done when all things pull IDEAS from the I.V. You pulled a gem from there, Jack.”
“I didn’t do shit!” I burst out and looked over to JJ. Was I seriously about to blame a twelve-year-old for Rebecca?
“Are you seriously blaming the kid?” Kara asked, mirroring my thinking. “A child is not that self-conscious about being a bastard as you. You’re the one that brought her out to help you with that.” She came up and poked my stomach a few times.
“I was going to say it’s beast’s fault,” I said. “His constant anger is based on the fact that I’m not fit enough to do all he wants to do.”
“Fight, Feast, and Fuck, right?” Kara asked. It felt stupid when she said it, but that was beast. “Well, guess what. Rebecca’s coming with me. The Rahin are jumpy with a gem missing from the void.”
“What do you mean by ‘The Rahin are jumpy’?” I asked and waited, but Kara shook her head.
“You know so little of the real void, Jack,” she said. “I have to get going.” I hated myself enough for letting Kara be a part of this, but Rebecca was mine to utilize. I still needed her.
I put a hand out and extended a smaller hand from the palm to remove the Keir from the back pocket. She always had it there. That part I got right. Before she had another second to realize it, I sealed her into a green gemstone, shrunk it, and hid both items in the kitchen cupboard. She’d hate me forever for this, but I’d let her go once the problem with Rebecca was figured out. This space I created for my betterment was slowly congealing around me. It was Kara’s fault for coming here. I just hoped that James didn’t come looking for her. If that happened, I would be done for. He was a special kind of being.
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When I came back the next day, Rebecca was sitting at the dinner table, gem and Keir in hand. I was in trouble, but wanted to explain my actions before she berated me with questions. Rather than creating a form in the kitchen, I went upstairs while still invisible. The house was a visage of the past for me, a two-tiered building in a coastal-suburban setting, except for the people that populated these suburbs, or the surroundings that connected to a larger city.
I created a form upstairs, an honest one, like Rebecca wanted me to do. As much as I wanted to have an average body, the discipline wasn’t there. I had no goal to do it for, no muse, no target. That was the goal of Rebecca. She was to learn about me and become a voice in my head that would help me reach a healthy life. Could she even do that? Her footsteps on the stairs spooked me back into a ghostly form as she burst into a room upstairs.
“Jack?” she asked, the green gemstone and the Keir in her hands. Her waiting for me was off-putting. I was a bit scared to talk to her. After scanning the room, Rebecca’s shoulders sagged in disappointment. A sigh escaped her lips that nearly broke my heart. I was the cause of her distress. She was waiting for an audience with me, a creator afraid of yet another of his creations.
She put down the gem and Keir on the desk of the room, and opened a drawer to a surprising set of gear I provided for her. They were sex toys of that one moment in time where she locked herself in the bathroom. beast would claw at his cage for me to stay, watch, and even participate as a ghost, but I floated into a wall as soon as I saw her unbutton her pants.
I came back to the living room of the house still disconnected from the library where my mind fractured thanks to Finnelgamin. That was a lie. I fractured my mind into four by myself. He only separated them from me, for which I was grateful. He’d need feeding soon. With the last moment, I reconnected the library and the house. Rebecca would find this out only after she was done with her release of tension. I faded on the thought, feeling as though beast left a bit of himself within me on the way out into Rebecca’s world. This fraction of him was more manageable, but likely existed in everyone’s minds.
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I returned the next day without form to the part of the house where my mind resided. The time was still frozen on Rebecca’s place, but it was pointless now. I put the three in a temporal bubble and unfroze the progression of time. They remained stopped, as I still feared letting them loose. Both JJ and beast caused a lot of damage when they were a part of me, each thinking they were helping me in their own way. Before I knew she was there, I heard a voice behind me.
“Jack?” she asked the room. I was still floating weightless and invisible from her, but there was no helping this. “I know you’re here. Please, just listen. I spoke to Kara before you made her into a stone. If I’m supposed to be somewhere else, shouldn’t I go back? Please, Jack. Don’t make me feel like I’m talking to myself.” I created a form right before her eyes and was surprised to find her arms around me.
“I’m sorry, Rebecca,” I said. “I just keep fucking this up. First Finn, now Kara. My ideas are all jumbled up.”
“Because you’re not the one who often thinks things up,” she said and turned me to the temporal bubble nearby. “That’s you, isn’t it?” She pointed to the child version of me.
“They’re all me,” I said. “Just parts of my mind I created to deal with the world. When Finn took them out, it felt like he helped me far more than he burdened me. I could have just thrown out this notebook, lived a normal life, still can.” I met her eyes. She was afraid of that idea.
“So it’s true,” she said. “I’m just words on a page, a story told to no one. You can discard me just like you can now do to Kara and Finn. So, why didn’t you?”
“I couldn’t leave you like that,” I said. “Guilt brought me back. I damn-near made you. I felt responsible for your outcome.”
“But Kara said you stole me,” Rebecca said.
“Yes, in a way,” I replied. “I called for help in the void where all goes and where all ideas come from. It’s JJ’s concept, but Kara can confirm. She skips between worlds in the void and keeps order with her Keir, that device you had next to the stone. I called for help and you answered. I had no idea you’d be an actual gem from the void. Now the creatures tending to the gems are upset that one was stolen.”
“Then shouldn’t I go back?” she asked.
“I still…” I started.
#…Need you,# I thought, but couldn’t tell her to her face. She wasn’t yet the person I needed her to be. She was supposed to keep me disciplined, but that would take the rest of my life.
“I have to go for now,” I said and didn’t let her respond as I disappeared.
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“Rebecca?” I asked the room where I materialized. It was somewhere upstairs, but not the one where she kept her tools of enjoyment. I walked out into the corridor, but she was nowhere to be seen. In the living room, I saw beast frozen without his gag on. He now wore a wicked smile. It was my fault. I got scared to watch a horror movie alone and pulled him back into my body for it. I think, in turn, that made him really happy. I was surprised when I was able to tear him back into the temporal bubble. Maybe he let me do it. “Rebecca?” A scene from the movie popped into my head. I circled the upstairs slowly, expecting jump-scares, but she wasn’t there. After a thorough and frightening walk around the house, I decided to visit the library.
Just as night was starting in my world, light was also fading in Rebecca’s space. The beauty of the library was the hue of light which imitated day to a perfect extent. I walked into the library almost certain that Rebecca was there, but the library stood empty. The dark windows reflected daylight of lamps increasing tension of the wide-open space. That one movie left a fear in me that would turn calm stillness into eerie tension. There was nothing that could hurt me in here. A loud slam shook me as I disintegrated from the room only to notice that a book had fallen from a shelf in the last second. It was best to leave it alone for the time being.
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I returned a day later, the memory of the horror movie partially faded. While in my invisible form, I flew around to find Rebecca this time. She was in the kitchen, fixing herself a snack. On the table next to her, Finn the Mouse rolled around in his hamster ball of vines. She made a kind of barrier around the edge with various items so that he didn’t roll off the edge. Kara’s green gem and Keir resided in the middle of the table. She was going to be pissed when she was free again. I did not look forward to that.
“Rebecca?” I asked, appearing in the room as solid as the table. She turned to me with two slices of bread, one with peanut butter, and the other with marshmallow fluff. She joined them and put the final product down to step over quickly and smack me in the face.
“That’s for the constant drop-offs,” she said, “You just up and leave me without explanations too often. Focus!” I put my hands up in surrender.
“I deserve that,” I said. “I’m sorry, Rebecca. My environment doesn’t allow a lot of time to relax, or at least the amount needed to sit and talk to you.”
“Why don’t you seek it out?” she asked. “Am I not enough? Am I not a good enough STORY?” I met her eyes in silence.
“You’re not a story,” I said, harshly. “You’re supposed to rescue me. That’s why I stole you away, apparently. At first, I wasn’t aware of this fact. I called out for help to the void, the Infinity Void where all that ever was, is, or will be, is, and will be. I had no idea who you were, so I shaped you, gave you a name, and taught you things. Then Kara shows up and tells me to set you free? I NEED you, for more than that damn space outside of time. To be honest, I have no idea what you are. I’m sure Kara told you about it, but she can’t force me to do anything here, in this space I made for you.
“My stories are a way to distance myself from others, to play a keep-away with my heart by having others play out their stories while I just observe. Those stories ARE more entertaining, yes. They deal with THEIR drama, with only subtle hints to my life. I live through them, because otherwise I am not alive at all. That’s why you exist, and I’m sorry.” Silence fell over the room as Rebecca digested information. The stillness was only broken by Finn the Mouse’s rolling on the table up to the Keir. He took it in his mousy little paws and gnawed on the cold metal until Rebecca pulled it away from him.
“And you’d let the Infinity Void be set against you just for my sake?” she asked. “To keep me?”
“Yes,” I replied with no hesitation. “I can’t get better without you.”
“And you’d let worlds fall to chaos for that?” she asked. “I read what you wrote about Kara, Jack. She’s vital in there, and you know it. You need to let her go.”
“What if she wants to take you back?” I asked, picking up the green gem.
“I’ll talk to her, ok?”
I hesitated with the stone in my grasp, but Rebecca’s eyes settled me. I threw the stone over by the door, letting it expand to full size. With the snap of my fingers, the gem fell away as green sand that disintegrated before it hit the ground. Kara’s eyes opened in rage, but Rebecca ran up to hug her in place. I didn’t hear what they whispered and I didn’t need to. When they parted, Kara grit her teeth and held out a hand while looking away. I picked up her Keir from the table and placed it on her palm.
“I’m sor-”
“Not. Another. Word. Dipshit.” She said and made a motion with her arm pointing a circle around the room. “This? Not over!” With no further words, she shoved the Keir into the front door, clicked the button on the loop, and turned it to open a path of green. Rebecca and Kara exchanged glances before the Keir-wielding woman jumped into the green. When the portal closed, I remade the door and turned to Rebecca who clapped her hands once.
“Onto the next order of business,” she said. With a hand, she motioned me into the living room where the temporal bubble of my mind resided. “Please explain why these guys are still here?”
“Safekeeping,” I said, “And sanity.”
“Don’t be vague, Jack,” Rebecca said. “Explain it.” I sat down on the couch in the room and motioned for her to sit.
“They’re part of the reason I called out to you in the void,” I said looking up at the ceiling. “Before you existed, I felt torn within by all the things I felt, all the things I needed to do, so I fractured my mind hoping to keep some semblance of sanity, for outside perspective. That’s me, Jack, the survivalist, the chameleon of humanity. I keep my real body alive, but it’s difficult because of them.” I motioned to the three beings in a temporal bubble.
“beast, the one in his cage, is the one who drives passion, rage, and all things primal. He’s quick to anger and hungry for flesh, and so he spends most time in his cage, chained up. If he was in control, the fragile balance of my outside life would crumble in one day.” I stood up from the couch.
“The others?” Rebecca asked, after I remained quiet at the window.
“JJ the kid, and robot,” I said. “I’m out of time, Rebecca. I’ll come back later, ok?” I looked to her, but she didn’t meet my eyes. I had a limit on time, but to her it must have looked as if I didn’t care enough. I turned away for a moment and felt her arms around me right before I disintegrated.
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I returned to the house where Rebecca was feeding Finn the Mouse. I hovered above invisible and wished it was just a pet rather than a past character seeking some sort of vengeance. If I let him loose, he would target her for sure. On the other hand, if I were to leave Rebecca with him for extended periods of time, she’d free him from the ball eventually.
“Hey, Rebecca,” I said, while forming an instant corporeal form. “I’ve got about twenty minutes, realistically, so it’s best you just listen. I’ll throw out some information about JJ, robot, and Finn.”
“Wait!” She burst out with a hand up. “Don’t stress yourself so much, Jack. What’s wrong? Why are you in such a rush?” I didn’t even tell her about my two-week vacation yet. I didn’t want to take the notebook with me. It would only expose the insanity this was to people who couldn’t understand it, my family.
“I’m leaving in two days, for two weeks,” I said and watched her smile fade. It reappeared a second later, but I had a feeling what she’d ask about.
“Why don’t you take me with you?” She asked. “I’ve always wanted to go see some of the places I’d seen in your memories on the shelf.” I felt bad. She didn’t know yet what a strain this exchange put on my reality. In anyone’s eyes, I was mentally ill. To survive, I had to hide it, considerably easier when both beast and JJ weren’t bothering my mind all the time.
“I can’t, Rebecca,” I said. “It’s less of a vacation and more of a forced hiatus by family. I’m sorry.” She looked away beyond the window.
“Are you…?” She started, but I felt her pain at the thought. “Are you ashamed of me?” She was turned away, but I knew she had tears in her eyes.
“I could never be ashamed of you, Rebecca,” I said, taking a hold of her hand. “It’s just my reality isn’t so keen on how people function. They would shun me and try to cure me of you. I’m the survivalist of the four parts of my mind. I hide from those who would attack me.” I handed her a napkin that Finn was trying to consume.
“I’m almost out of time,” I said. “But I’ll be back tomorrow for a more thorough explanation of the rest. Just don’t let the mouse out of the glowing orb until then, ok?” She nodded using tissues to wipe her nose. This was better than telling her about Finn the Mouse. It was a temporary solution, but all I needed was temporary.
“Later, Rebecca,” I said, while disintegrating.
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When I came back the next day, she was outside observing the clear sky on a chair from the kitchen. I was about to make a form and say something, but she spoke without pulling her eyes away from the sky.
“How come it never rains here?” Rebecca asked. “I mean, I like the blue sky, but it’s unrealistic. There are no clouds here, no fluffy white or even streaks across the blue that I’ve read about.” I panned over to see her in the chair with Finn the Mouse on her lap. She was feeding him snacks through the gaps in the glowing vine orb. Her befriending of Finn made it that much harder to tell her the truth of what he was. I created a form and littered the sky with clouds.
“Let me guess,” she said, without turning to make sure I was there. “Today’s the day you leave me for your forced vacation.” I waited silently until she stood and turned to see if I was actually there. She stared me down hard at first, intent on being upset, but when I smiled, her gaze softened. I came up and hugged her.
“I’m sorry, Rebecca,” I said. “But I’ll give you some new stuff before I go so that you have something to do rather than talk to mousy.” She walked over to the chair where she left Finn the Mouse, and picked up his orb.
“Speaking of,” she said. “Did you make Jorge for me? He’s not very smart, but loves to eat. Why bind him in this glowing orb of vines?” Jorge. I almost burst out laughing at the name she gave Finnelgamin. I stifled my amusement and decided to table the question for later.
“First let me introduce you to the rest of my mind,” I said, gesturing toward the house. “Bring Jorge. It’s going to rain soon.” I poked the sky with a finger to add some darker clouds. We walked back and stepped inside just as the clouds broke. Rebecca met my eyes at the door and I knew what she was about to do. She tossed Finn the Mouse over to me and dashed out onto the heavy downpour of rain. Did I give her my love of rain subconsciously? I was tempted to join her dance among the wet grass and celebration of falling water, but instead got blankets ready for her with a wag of my pinky. Finn rolled around on the table in his ring of protection at the edges.
After a few minutes of dancing in the rain, then standing still to enjoy it, Rebecca headed back in. She was soaked to the bone, but had a giant smile on her face. I handed her some towels and made a partition where she could change into prepared dry clothes I picked out. Once she was naked, I could only see her silhouette against the partition on gray light of cloudy sky that I adored.
“I think I need some better clothes before you go,” Rebecca said, wiping herself down and slipping dry underwear on. “I don’t mean to be harsh, but your fashion sense kinda sucks, Jack.” When she was done getting dressed in a green tee and brown sweatpants, her hand folded the partition back into the wall by the door.
“Noted,” I said and pushed the wet clothes and towels down through the floor to the supposed laundry room in the basement. I left her with one towel to dry her hair even though I could have snapped my fingers and her hair would be free of moisture. Her light brown hair looked darker whne they were stuck together with water. “That little escapade took up most of my time right now.”
“I’m sorry, Jack,” Rebecca said. “Does that mean…? Are you leaving me with just rain?” I shook my head.
“I’m just glad it made you happy,” I replied. “Next time, when I come back, we can enjoy the rain together. I will be back before I leave. We’ll discuss JJ and robot, and Jorge. Heh.” I almost laughed at the name.
“Ok.”
“Later, Rebecca.”
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I came back during the day after doing some work. Rebecca sat at the window with Jorge the Mouse rolling about on the hardwood floor. The sky outside shifted white clouds around slowly. It was a bit gusty, an aftereffect of the dark clouds I injected before. With a wave of my hand, I created some wildlife in the scene. Birds swooped down to peck for worms in the moist ground and seeds of the grass.
“Hey,” I said to her before even creating a form for the voice. She turned in surprise, but found nothing there.
“Jack?” She asked. I faded into a form in her field of vision. “How come you can do that?”
“I made this space for you,” I said. “Anything’s possible here.” Rebecca put a finger to her chin to think, and while I knew she was mainly using thought processes similar to mine, I was eager to see what she could come up with. I was ready to create anything she said with a wag of one of my fingers.
“So, how about a horse?” I wagged a pinky, and a docile horse appeared in the living room. Rebecca clapped her hands with excitement and stepped up to pet it. “A jetpack!” I waved a thumb behind my back and moved us outside. She had a sci-fi jetpack on her back that was much smaller than the current technology in my reality could produce. She took off into the air already familiar with the controls somehow.
“This is amazing!” She shouted, while passing by. “Join me!” I took off without an effort and matched her speed. “Make some clouds to chase!” I folded my index finger and formed large fluffy clouds to fly around in the sky.
“Can we go to space?” Rebecca asked, already heading upward from the ground, but I caught up to her and felt pain in my head. With a wave of my hand, I reset us back to the living room, no horse or jetpack. “What’s wrong?” She came up to me with a worried look.
“Some things are too big to imagine,” I said. “I could describe space to you, show it to you here, but it would never be as grand and beautiful as it is in my reality. But don’t worry, I’ll find a way to show you space how I see it. For now, let me introduce JJ and robot.” I turned to the temporal bubble on the other side of the room. Finn still rolled about somewhere in the corner.
“JJ is a kid,” Rebecca said. “So innocent thoughts, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “JJ is the kid within, but when such a child is a part of your mind, you tend to overthink things. It got to a point where JJ would paint a brilliant scenario of what could happen, but never explained the path to get there or the first steps. That’s how a child plans, for the end result, but not the steps. I divided him out just so I could control him better. Understandably, he’s the one who’s the real writer. I’m just doing this thanks to an echo he left behind within me. That means, I’m not really free of him. Same goes for beast.”
“So JJ is the young, and beast is the mature?” she asked.
“Not exactly,” I said. “beast is mature anger and passion. JJ is the youthful passion, void of lust, and bursting with ideas.”
“And you are?”
“Survivalist, pretender,” I said. Truth often hurt. “And robot is pretty much my replacement when I have to keep both beast and JJ quiet in my mind.”
“Sounds like you have a tough job,” she said. “Dealing with that chaos all by yourself.”
“It’s a bit easier with them trapped in this space,” I said. “Thanks to Finnelgamin, strangely enough. Speaking of Finn-”
“That guy was scary,” Rebecca said. “I’m glad he’s gone.” I paused myself.
“I’m short on time now,” I said. “But I’ll explain Finn later today. I promise. Then we can talk about what you want before I leave. Deal?”
“Deal.” I disintegrated from her space.
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“I’m back,” I said creating a form in the living room. Rebecca wasn’t there, but I had no idea why I expected her to stay there while I finished work. I disintegrated the form rather than look for her.
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When I came back again, it was as an invisible specter. I floated to the outside first, but she wasn’t there. I’d call out to find her, and maybe that would be better.
“Rebecca?” I said louder than normal. No response.
Now in form, I rang the doorbell of the house and waited. After about five minutes of just sitting there at the notebook, I heard someone run up. It was her at the door, wearing nothing but a towel.
“Sorry about that,” she said, and let me in. “I was taking a bath. I heard you call out before, but wrote it off as my imagination.” I tried to look away, but her body glistened wet. If beast was currently inside me, he’d call out to yank the towel off her to see her whole body, sopping wet. That was the echo butting in. With a flex of my middle finger, I dried her and clothed her back into what she wore last. She spun a bit from the change and smiled.
“Thanks, Jack,” she said. “But you didn’t need to do that. We could talk through the bathroom door, or inside if you don’t peek.” She was discovering her sexuality before my very eyes, the part relating to attraction between genders. I had to give her a social life of some sort so that she could experiment outside of her pool of, well, me.
“Take your bath later,” I said. “I don’t have a lot of time before I go. Let’s start with Finn. Jorge is Finn. I turned him into a mouse and put the bubble of vines around him to dull his thinking.” I watched for Rebecca's reaction, but she was frozen while processing. When she understoof how she adopted Jorge as a pet, her mouth opened in shock.
“I took him into the bathroom with me!” she said, and blushed red. “He saw me naked! Oh, no. I took him upstairs when I…” She trailed off, but I knew what she meant. He was audience to something beautiful, or so beast would say.
“Why’d you let me keep him?” she hid her face behind her hands and ran upstairs. I decided not to follow her, and to work in hidden ways like most deities often did.
With my palms open, I expanded the view to see both the house and the library. My thumb dotted three new houses into existence on the street to nowhere. It felt very much like playing a real-life game of Sims. These houses were complete with a sort of AI of the mind individuals. They had a routine for every week, but when interrupted, could improvise. They weren’t as alive as Rebecca, but could interact with her as if real and could experience all the things she did.
The first house had Jorge, a male of Latin descent that made damn good tamales. The second had Avery, a girl of a few years older than Rebecca’s vague mid-twenties who was openly a lesbian. The last house had a girl of Rebecca’s age with a dog named Dax. Her name was Eva. Each had a quirk and a talent, but I just rolled a die on those qualities to let Rebecca explore for herself.
With her social life expanding, I decided to give her two travel destinations, a mountain range, and a lake, dropping brochures on the kitchen table that would help her get there via scavenger hunt. I chose to do nothing about Finn the Mouse for the time being. It was unlikely Rebecca would free him and she’d have to feed him anyway. She just needed to be cautious with the glowing orb.
With that, my secret work was done, and I hoped Rebecca would enjoy this, and enjoy herself wherever her social interests took her. I returned to the living room and grit my teeth as I tore the temporal bubble open. The three parts of my mind stood there frozen for a moment, but before they could react, I ran a hand over them all, absorbing as I went. Once they were back in, I disintegrated my form to leave Rebecca to her life.
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