Chapter 4 - The Trip
I returned to the small wooden room in the untethered space on Tuesday of the saddest St. Patrick’s Day under the heel of a pandemic of a virus in the reality I occupied. Had it been a normal day, I would have been at work the day before, and thus had a moment to speak to Lila at the tea shop I frequented. In light of this seclusion imposed on me, I had been away for another two days.
Writing, and even using the writing device strained me at home. I had to explain that to her. I once stepped into the box to find the spiral staircase from before there, but ended up deleting that brief visit from record. I started writing it in the middle of the night at a hotel in Limerick for difficulty falling asleep. The clickety keyboard I used created too much sound for a quiet visit to that untethered space in the middle of the night.
“Lila?” I asked, wondering if I would have to use the locator on her already. The bigger the space around me, the harder it would be to find her. Much like with Rebecca, I wanted Lila to know when I was around. “You here?”
“Up here, Jack!” Her voice called out from above. I ascended the spiral staircase to find her at three bookshelves of only about fifty books scattered on the shelves. They were all mine, the unwritten ideas that she had time to write, but I did not. She had only a few ideas of mine and created this much content already. She could do so much with more ideas, though they had beastly aspirations. I felt strange with the thought of her reading about Ledeon’s sexual exploitation of humans for his survival, or the story of Atroano Zisi and his corruption by words of command. That which had been inspired by beast should have never been written.
“I see you did away with the hatch in the floor of the library,” I said. “I like it. It’s elegant.” Lila smiled and ran up to hug me at the top stair. I had forgotten how light she was, just a child, but only for the mobility. It was a strange reason, since matured bodies were more able to embrace, though the joints did not allows full range of motion anymore unless conditioned to do so.
“I’m glad that you like it,” she said. “Oh, take a look at this.” She stepped over to the bookshelf and seemed to pluck a book at random. After she opened it to a random page, her lungs drew a large breath in to exhale over the two pages. Nothing happened at first, but after a few seconds, a gold and silver glitter flew off the page, swarming into two characters I knew. Tiarto stood over Sana in the library, at the moment of his death. Two green vines entered the scene, taking Tiarto away as Sana sat by the desk with a picture of Tiarto and his two friends, pierced through his head in the picture.
“I remember this,” I said. “It was surprising, but what are they doing in the library? This happened at the Reaper Flare plant in the garden, not in the library.”
“Sana came back here,” Lila said. “Keep watching.”
Sana crumpled up in a ball while clutching the broken picture frame in her hand. This was not a scene I had written before. There was no need for it. Sana’s vulnerability and pain was apparent in the chapter about her formatting and use of an incomplete planar jump, the waver. This exposed her early to the sadness of losing her parents. Maybe it was a good thing to add. Sana had no way of knowing if Tiarto would be ok after being taken away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, to no one. It was only me and Lila in the room, and I was certain we were invisible. Nonetheless, Lila skipped up to the young woman curled up in a ball by the desk and hugged her. Much to my surprise, Sana was not surprised by this at all. She did not react, as if Lila had been there and given her comfort in that moment of uncertainty.
“Can she see and hear us?” I asked Lila, but she gave no answer. She only smoothed a hand over Sana’s hair and held her for a moment longer before stepping away to the fading of the scene. “It looked as if she was genuinely happy that you were there to comfort her.”
“I was, in a sense,” Lila said. “She wanted someone to hold with such dire need that she created a real person in her mind, and I just filled that imaginary body.”
“That’s trippy,” I said. “It’s like you were in her story for a moment there, just as a ghost.” Lila nodded.
“It’s a cool feature, right?” She asked.
“Maybe,” I said. “Listen, I’m dealing with some strange circumstances lately, so I won’t be back at regular times, but I will come back from time to time. There is this virus roaming my world. Even if I’m not in the target at risk zone or age, it’s still a bit scary to be around in it.”
“Sounds strange,” Lila said. “And you don’t have this machine that you go to which cleans the virus away from your body in minutes? My world has those, for all kinds of sicknesses. They use these microscopic needle worms, programmable to fight all sorts of bad things right away.”
“That’s really advanced,” I said, trying to imagine how much that type of creation might cost, or hurt to be applied in your body. “We’re still pretty much babies in terms of medicine.”
“That’s terrible,” she said. “Well, stay safe, and come back sometimes to talk to me. Otherwise, do you have something new to add to the shelves? Or more like, do you have something for me to read while you’re away?”
“There is one,” I said. “It’s another girl protagonist. I really wanted to push that girl power thing in my writing. Here’s what I’ve got so far.” I put a book down on the table and waved goodbye.
“Thank you, Jack!” I disappeared from the space of the library feeling a drowsiness build in my head at last.
break
I walked into the wooden room on Friday of the same week, wondering why I did not simply go into the library. It had to be something Rebecca left in me, a feeling borne of being trapped to showing up there in the first place.
I ascended the spiral to find Lila sitting beside a mountain of books. It came as a surprise, since I only gave her one completed book about Garavand and some notes of future stories around them. How did she manage to turn that into almost a hundred different tomes? This was not something I could even write out in my lifetime.
"Hey," I said. She glanced up in my direction for a brief moment and returned to reading. I had not seen her read before, disappearing after giving her the ideas or works I had not completed. She looked older than her child form. "I'm on my phone this time, but figured I'd stop in and say hi. Lila?"
"Sorry," she said. "I'm kinda busy with this Garavand Saga you gave me. It's still not done. There is a whole rich universe to explore in that miniscule story, and I just had to dive in." I came closer to her with a worry that I somehow put too much onto her shoulders.
"Are you ok?" I asked. "What do you mean? You didn't have to go and define every little part of the world, you know."
"Didn't I though?" She asked, pausing her spot with a finger on the page. "When have you ever known me to stop reading if there was more to the story? I did the same with Tiarto. There is always some background that leads to another story. It's unending."
"But doesnt the untethered space just close up the story around itself?"
"Apparently not."
"Then stop," I said, pulling the book of empty pages from her grasp. She leapt for it right away, but I threw it across the room. "I'm sorry Lila. Just stop for now!" I felt the loud words escape, feeling creationism take them in stride. Her body was frozen in time, suspended in the air for the moment that it took me to realize what I had done. It took that moment for beast to fight his way out, leap from my chest as a dog, and run over to the impeded Lila.
Before he had a chance to bite her, I set the time reeling normal, and hit my chest to recall the running mutt. When he was back in, I turned around.
"I shouldn't have come here on the phone," I said. "It's difficult and creates errors. I'll have to comb over the stuff noted down later for accuracy. I'm sorry he attacked you. It seems due to the lack of sexual attraction to someone, he only intends to hurt others. I have to go. Again, I'm sorry."
"Jack?" Lila asked, but I was already gone from the library. That stupid library. Why did I have to use the same one from my past in Tiarto’s story? It would never abandon me, even when it was ripped out of my mind by Rebecca's hands.
break
I returned to the untethered space into the small room, but rather than ascend the staircase, I flew up to the library above. This time I was on the more portable device with a keyboard, but ended up at home due to quarantines out in my reality. No cafe had tables to sit, and no enclosure allowed loitering indoors. It was a weird time, limiting me to writing less and less, given I disliked where I lived. Lila was not around, but the books she was reading of the Garavand worlds were neatly arranged on the bookshelf provided.
“Lila?” I asked, and looked around the empty space. The library space held great memories for me, but also a few bad ones. I thought back to when beast tried to charge at her in a dog’s body, just a few hours ago. It was the first time he left to interact rather than take my body over. I walked over to the bookshelf, stepping into a solid body to be able to pluck one out.
The book I chose from the section for Garavand was about Erik Wake, the doctor to the Garavand kind. Together with his wife Natalie, they had shadow strand farms for creation of shadow cloth that Garavand tailored into their cloaks. When worn over their misshapen bodies, those garments allowed transportation via shadows and invisibility in total or near darkness. Given their world had nothing that even remotely resembled the sun, that cloak was very useful. Before I got too into the world and story in the book, I set it back on the shelf.
The total of the books on the Garavand section was about sixty. I wanted to know what stories Lila pulled out of that one story of Remy exposing her world to the reality of beings living amongst them in the shadows. With another glance around, I did not find Lila, so I decided to test out the locator I gave her under the pretense of a gift. To do this, I had to first find myself back in the bottom room to study the compass I engraved on the ceiling.
When I got back down there, the compass was already lit up with a direction to go, a location of South-Southwest that had no bearing on poles of a planet at all. I made sure to remember the location in my mind as I flew past the floorboards into the library. The direction it turned out to be was the staircase to the second floor part of the house. Rather than deem it possible that she went outside, I ascended the stairs while floating to avoid the squeaky stairs and peeked into each room except the bathroom. Surely enough there Lila was, sleeping on Tiarto’s old bed without covers or changing her clothes.
I smiled, draping a blanket over her to let her rest after what must have been an exhausting week of reading and recording all the stories surrounding the Garavand world I threw Remy into. Feeling a definite lull of sleep on my end, I decided to leave her to rest, until I heard her mumble something in her sleep. I stepped closer to listen, but no mumble came out again. There was no reason to believe it had anything to do with me. Lila could have very well been dreaming of her own reality and perhaps feeling remorse about the things she did to warrant such a time-out.
A stray thought entered my mind at the last second before vanishing from the untethered space. Could I have been subject to a criminal serving a sentence, not just a child in a time-out? I would have to give it a solid ponder while trying to get to sleep. Lila sure put out a very childish notion of self, but she could have done this to appear less threatening. Leaving her to rest for now, I vanished from the space to catch some rest myself.
break
I returned two days later, to the room below the library. No matter how much I tried to arrive at the library, I knew it was merely a copy of my copy of the original based on similarities from my own reality. It was a layered fake space, to the point of being so real and meaningful to me that it would never truly be there for me again. I could go back to my high school, go to the library where I spent my time. The original version of the library was never the intended target to use in Tiarto’s story. Just like me, the idea of that one sanctuary space evolved with me. The high school did not have tall windows in patterns of glass, and no painted ceiling. This was the library that I wanted in my life, and for Tiarto and Rebecca. This pristine space now had a spiral staircase in the middle only downward.
It was a strange installment into a basement, but I had an aversion to direct sun that rivaled blood-suckers of legend. I hated it, because my eyes hated it. There had to be a reason behind it. Something had to be wrong with my brain, but I already knew that because of the existence of JJ, beast, and robot. As much as I wanted to fix that in myself, that would mean I would have to share this with someone in the future, which had to be the point of Finnelgamin and Rebecca. Maybe this final arbitration, the attempt to die in a way that would not allow me to go to the Infinity Void, was the mind eating itself. I was the ouroboros of madness I created. Was Lila the third part of this destruction?
“Hey,” a voice turned me at the top of the stairs. “Were you here two days ago?” Lila sat on top of a bookshelf, book open over her head as if it was a hat.
“Yeah,” I said. I wanted to ask about the book, but tried to prevent my curiosity from derailing prepared thoughts. “You were sleeping after that giant recording of the Garavand universe you discovered. I didn’t want to wake you, since it took you like a week to get through it all. Are you recovered?”
“Yeah,” she replied, with a smile. “That nap sure hit the spot. I just didn’t expect that much information in that one book you wrote. One of the books has short stories bundled together of a few origins. That time jump really hit me hard, but I logged everything between it and onward. Without a doubt, the story was an epic adventure with so many facets for future ventures. Future ventures I also covered, so you’re welcome when you eventually get to transcribing these things into your world.”
“Hold on,” I said. “I'll be back in like ten minutes. Bathroom.”
“Alright, I’m back,” I said, but Lila was not in the same spot as before. She was now right next to me, brimming with curiosity.
“So, tell me, Jack,” she said. “What is it that you do in the bathroom exactly? It can’t be what my version of the world does, because that would take much longer. How does your system process foods that allow you to empty yourself in such a short time?”
“Huh,” I said. “Well, my version of humans have these things called acids inside us, that break down food we consume and remove things that benefit us over a period of three days before it is expelled. How do you guys do it?” Lila grimaced.
“You EXPEL the waste?” She asked with much disgust in her tone. “That’s so barbaric. Doesn’t that become a problem where to store or dispose of the material that comes out?”
“Yeah, there is a whole industry that deals with moving the waste materials out to processing plants where the water is recycled,” I explained. “Not everyone in the world has access to this however. The poorer places dig a hole in the ground and deposit the waste there.”
“Wow,” she said. “Ok, well. I don’t envy people living in your world. My kind pretty much has the processing plants inside us. The waste product is used up as energy that powers things we wear and utilize. The rest is ash, which gets rehydrated and used in building material.” I was stunned by such an efficient system of operation. In comparison, the way humans consumed and digested was the epitome of disgusting.
“Lucky you,” I said. “I get it. Your world is better than my world. At least we got linked by the untethered space somehow.”
“Oh, yeah!” Lila exclaimed, as if she forgot she had the book on her head. That was not it. I still wanted to ask her about it. “How was your trip? I never asked when you came back. Was it fun?”
“Yeah,” I said, reminiscing about the visit to the one place in the whole world I could imagine myself living a normal life. Ireland had been my dream for a while now, and with research on it, I wanted to build a life there. I wanted to die there. “I loved it. There was rain, clouds, and bits of sun. I saw some cliffs, a castle, and a river flowing heavy with water. The climate was very much to my liking. I can’t wait until I get to move there, but it will take me years of effort to get back there in that capacity.” Lila smiled.
“Hearing you talk about it,” she said. “I think no matter how long it takes, you will make it.”
“Can I ask about something?” I asked, then pointed to the top of her head. “What’s with the book?”
“Shh!” Lila said. “I’m hunting something that escaped from it.”
“What?” I asked, unsettled. “How could something escape a book you created from a story I provided for you?”
“Right,” she said. “I may have pulled a creature from a story into the library since I thought it would be cool.”
“What creature?”
“Shh!” Lila said, while walking around me on tiptoes. “I got it. Here it comes.” I turned to her just in time to see a small bundle of shadow strands float closer. I recoiled at the thought of them tearing any matter they encountered apart, but Lila jumped out with the open book as soon as it floated close enough. The creature was inhaled inside as if the space between the pages was a vacuum.
“There, see?” Lila said. “All good now.” She closed the book and placed it back on the empty spot of the Garavand shelf.
“What was that?” I asked. I had no recollection of any such creature in the world of Garavand that I knew. Those were shadow strands from the sky of darkness, that cut up any matter that they came across.
“That’s kinda a spoiler for you,” she said. “Let’s just say that it’s something of a Saix, but in the form of something used by someone else.”
“A specter?” I asked, remembering the summary story of when Remy went to fight the hive.
“Oh, so you know what those are,” she said. “Yeah, kinda. It’s the unrefined version. They’re something of Garavand pets. Where final Garavand exist everywhere dark and go between things without harming them, their pets do a similar thing, but destroy everything in their path. I figured it would be a cool thing to have around in place that isn’t made of matter, but yeah, it had a mind of its own.”
“Alright,” I said. “I have to go. It’s raining today, and I want to go outside again before it’s over.”
“Is rain really rare where you exist?”
“Well, no,” I said. “But I do love it. Not many people enjoy it, and some even believe that it’s a sign of depression.”
“Oof, heavy,” Lila said. “So, is it? Are you…?”
“No, I just love the rain,” I said. “But I suppose some part of me likes the melancholy of it. There is an overarching sadness in the air among the standard humans that entertains me, because when they are happy, I’m miserable.”
“Hmm,” she said. “This needs further exploration, but I’ll leave that for later. Would you happen to have something for me to read while you’re away?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I had more to ask you, more I wanted to know. I guess I could give you something, but I don’t think you’ll like it. It’s just a short story, nothing to expand there.”
“I’m good with anything,” Lila said. “And the things you wanted to ask me, I’d be happy to answer later. I have nothing to hide from you. Not after you’ve entertained me so much with your stories. I’m grateful, Jack. Otherwise, I’d be bored out of my mind in this place. Even if you somehow disappear from here now, I’ll still have the knowledge of your work to keep me entertained. Go on, enjoy the last of the rain.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I said. I made a mental note to ask about her being some criminal and disappeared from the untethered space. If I was part of her creation, this would be my end, past my life that is.
break
I came back a few hours later, on the night of Monday. When I would normally go to bed, I returned following a movie which moved me. It was a sacrifice, a heartbreaking surrender of life for the good of the world that affected me, a life given to remake the world better. That feeling of loss drove me here again, to a place I lost something I loved. I arrived in the room of darkness. The only light coming in was from the spiral staircase into the library. Lila was no doubt sitting there reading too much into the short story of a summer snow princess. I hoped she was not saddened by this, though the story was not happy.
“Hey,” I said, before I was even on the first step. The railing of the steps was painted white, but cold and metal underneath. Before I made it even halfway up the stairs, Lila met me by running down into a hug. Tears were streaming down her face, something I had not expected. “Hey, are you ok?”
“Why did they both have to die so young?” She asked. “They had so much more to live, to do. I hate it! I want to change their story! I want them to live and have a life together!” I held onto her tight, smoothing the hair on her head with the sad-happy expression remembering the story.
“Their lives ended tragically,” I said. “But they made the most of what they were given. There is a strength to that. Changing that story would hurt what they stood for. Death isn’t the end to it all. Didn’t you read the end? She found him in the Infinity Void. They were together at last.” Lila pushed off to look me in the eyes.
“That’s not the same!” She exclaimed. “He died, and it was her fault. Don’t you know how much that must have hurt her? Don’t you feel the suffering that made her feel? It’s unbearable! I don’t want to feel this!”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I made a mistake in giving you that story to read. It was a one-off. I honestly didn’t expect you to take it this hard. Tiarto’s story had some shocking and emotional moments, so did Remy’s story with Garavand. I figured you’d already know the pain of dramatic moments. The fault is mine.” I had caused unnecessary pain again.
A memory lit up in my mind of the star, a girl I once knew who called me a friend for a time. I watched a short story with her, a story that resulted in sadness. She was affected deeply by that emotional strike, whereas I had already seen it and wanted her to feel that sadness. It was before I knew of beast inside me, driving the thoughts that would make others suffer in my presence. I deeply regretted making the star feel sadness that day, and I regretted having Lila know it, too.
“They were kids, Jack,” Lila said, gripping my shirt tighter. “Nothing in your writing has that cruelty prior.”
“What of Angel?” I asked. “She died young, with such promise in her thanks to a great man’s sacrifice. He postponed the unification of the world for her, to teach her, and she never got to use what he gave her.”
“I remember her,” she said. “Her story came later. Tiarto suffered, too. So let me ask you this, Jack. Why must your characters suffer? Why do you only find that in the void that makes the protagonists suffer?”
“Isn’t that obvious?” I asked, half of myself. “I seek those who suffer because they struggle to live. To struggle is to be alive. Life is measured in strife, overcome only thanks to family, friends, and strangers. And yet, sometimes there is no way to overcome an obstacle. Sometimes, the road ends, but the fight continues in the hearts and minds of those around. It’s not needless, Lila. Not for the most part. Even for those two kids pledging to jump off the roof and rush their death. They suffer so that others know their pain and find treatment for future cases of their diseases.”
“It still hurts,” she said. “It hurts the heart to think of it. She was too young to know what it meant to be a woman, and he was desperately seeking to help her. “I think I need to take a nap after that. I need to rest my head.” I left conflicted that my writing caused her pain
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