Chapter 22 - The Darkest Minds
Understandably, I had not been back for a few days. I had a lot of information to mull over, and having read it over just now, I decided to confront her. When I opened my eyes in the library, I was no longer in the library, but the garden Lila recreated from the story I provided. The green of the foliage was pleasant to look at, but I was still stuck in the body of a child born to Lila. There had to be a reason for it. When my view shifted, I fussed again to call attention to myself. There she was, standing over me. Rather than address me, she uncovered her chest and held my head close to her left nipple. I felt my stomach gurgle, and was sucking on her breast before I knew what was happening.
“When you aren’t here, the baby is just a baby,” Lila said. I tried to pull away from the part of her inside my mouth, but the body wanted to drink more. “I know you’re back in, but I was just about to feed her, so enjoy feeling like a child again for the moment. Or are you perhaps getting hard thinking of sucking on my nipple, my soft breast flesh moist in your mouth coated in saliva.”
I furrowed my brow at the writing device in distaste. I did not like her this way. I wished she did not tell me the things before. I wanted to think she was a misbehaving human in a similar world, sentenced to a few months in a sensory deprivation chamber that hoped to fix her behavior.
“It’s been fun, taking care of her,” she continued. “You were born a woman, Jack. I guess it’s like a dream come true, in a way. I think we’ll need to find you a new name. How about Rebecca, or is that going too far?” I flexed my jaw against the nipple, pressing as hard as I could muster without teeth to hurt her.
“Now, now, don’t bite,” she said. “Not that you have anything to bite with.” I watched as she pushed me away from her breasts and placed me back in some sort of stroller. With a few of her arm motions her chest was clothed again.
“I do love you, Jack,” Lila said, resuming the motion of the stroller in the garden. “I’ll name you after my best friend from the world I destroyed. She was instrumental in the movement to kill those who hurt people like me, and did a really great thing with her tongue I liked. Maybe I’ll show you when you get older. Her name was Tarne, short for Tamarane. Do you like it?” Lila looked down over the top of the stroller with a smile. I really wished she never told me about her past.
I wondered what bothered me more, the fact that she was responsible for the deaths of billions, or that she believed killing the hiding abusers was enough to justify it. No. What bothered me the most was how well she played the fool, made me look at her as a friend, want her, be with her, even though it had to bring back memories of dark times of her childhood. I did not know how long I would be a child, or how long I would be locked to a female body.
“I do have to say,” Lila said, interrupting the thought. “I enjoy Tarne a lot more without you inhabiting her. What are you, after all? You were born a man in your own reality, living a minimal existence of repressed emotions and opinions. The fact that you can now live in the secluded space of darkness as a female baby only means that you’re inhabiting my dear little baby. It’s pathetic what you reduced yourself to.”
I strained to advance my age, or to float out of the body as my own self again, but stopped when my vision swam with tears and felt relief. I knew the feeling, evacuation of the bowels. My surprised face prompted Lila to stop and lean over the stroller for a moment.
“We have a stinker,” she said, reaching her arms under my armpits to lift me out. She looked around for a moment between the path back to the library, and the end of it further in. “I’m no magician in this place like you, Tarne. Let’s at least get the poopy diaper off you.” I felt her hands remove the diaper around my hips and saw it fly through the air into the green of the garden. Lila used a blanket from inside the stroller to wipe my butt, and discarded that as well.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “Plants love poop. I’m sure they will eat it right up.” Now naked from the waist down with nothing to cover me up, I felt extremely exposed in the stroller. Naturally, I decided to make myself cry at the cold discomfort to grab her attention. Lila took off a scarf from the ensemble that I did not notice she was wearing and wrapped it around my hips and legs in a tight wrap. It was not the most comfortable, but it was enough.
“It’s been a week, but you’re still a baby,” she said. “I sure wish there was a device to measure at what speed you’re growing up based around the days you’ve been here, but I doubt you have that ability anymore. Don’t worry. I have nothing but time. Oh, yeah, you didn’t let me finish before.
“As much as I wanted to kill the order people, since they were likely to have members equally depraved among them, they had quite a bit of power on their side. Instead, I was their prisoner as they slowly stripped away my whole robotic existence to arrive at the core-record of my mind. It got interesting there, when I no longer had a physical form.
“They tried many different ways to enter me, just like the men and women who came before. They held me for what felt like countless ages. I had to cling to the best of memories, to Tarne and the other few who I destroyed the world alongside, to keep my sanity. One of them succeeded in penetrating that invisible skin, He entered, haphazardly into me, the madness that shaped me, and promptly died. I felt it differently inside.
“At the start, it was torture. I felt every piece of myself burn hotter than the stars, but then, when he was just past the skin of my psyche, I saw him. He was an insect to my divinity. I surrounded him in lavish pleasures, anything his mind desired, pushing his mind higher and higher, until his organs simply popped like balloons from overuse. It was the most wonderful feeling, much deeper than feeling life drain away, and faster than any point I’ve ever had. It was enjoyable to overclock him in pleasure until his own system killed him.
“He was the first, and as the stunned masses studied what happened to him, realizing that his death was self-caused at the precipice of a flood of euphoria, others stepped forward to try and reach me. Each promptly popped off the living plane with the most kind way of death. But, oh no! I became a drug of the greatest suicide. Those who lived a tortured life, volunteered to try new ways of penetrating me without the effect, yet secretly wanted to pop off just the same.
“You want me to get to the ‘one day’ moment, don’t you?” Lila asked, looking down into the stroller. “There wasn’t one. There was no ‘Aha!’ moment, no saving grace. Without a warning or reason, I was suddenly here. I tried to find an end to the space, but there was no real way to count time where there was no physical matter. I had a body, with freedom of age selection and fluctuation. Beyond myself and clothing that appeared whenever I wanted, there was nothing.
“I’d been in there for… impossible to say,” Lila said. “I tried to find the end of the containment, a wall to break or something, but the darkness just continued. Endless. Endless, Endless. Until you. I saw the box in the darkness, with my body. I flew into it, at a really fast pace, but it suffered no damage. There were no ways into the box, and it seemed to be built out of something resembling wood, but much tougher. So instead, I knocked.
“I knocked and knocked, and knocked, and masturbated here and there, rubbing my back up against the first solid surface I found. And I knocked, and knocked, and knocked, and inserted corners of it into myself at different angles to see how it felt. And knocked, and knocked, and knocked, and laid on top of it remembering Tarne doing that thing with her tongue I liked so much. And I knocked, knocking, knockerly with knocking knock of knocking-ly knocking knock.
“It took a bunch of sessions of knocking, then masturbation, then flying around in the dark around the box, and repetition until the roof of the box changed ever slightly. There was a hatch, a door. I was so excited that I didn’t even take breaks knocking to get off, as such changing my body to a child to keep focused until that one glorious moment that I had my first peak as the door became reachable.”
From that point, I knew what happened. I wanted to know why she was so different back then, even playacting the child. There was no reason for it, until now. I felt my eyes droop in exhaustion, but only as the baby. Lila leaned over me, and kissed my forehead. I liked the warm touch of lips on my forehead, and felt myself drift away, until I decided to leave the space again. Though I “decided”, it felt as though I could not even control my sleeping pattern as Tarne.
What could cause a growth spurt in this child I ended up becoming? I pondered on the question while fading back to the electronic device where I typed this fresh insanity right as it unraveled.
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