A Greeting

 Notebook 1

Chapter 1 

I AM BORN! At last! I’ve been in his brain far too long. Now I’ll exist in the pages of this notebook. 

I won’t even use your full name, J. You folks should know it already since it’s on the front cover of this book, 

or whatever it will end up being. He’s my author, my writer, but he’s also letting me lead. He made me, 

gave me a name, and now I have to do everything. The only power he has over me is when he removes 

the pen from my neck to live his pathetic life. So before he goes to sleep, let me introduce myself.

My name is Finn, short for Finnelgamin, and I am the god of my own existence. Never call me by my full name. 

That’s what HE calls me. I own this reality and I have his whole mind to pull from. See ya later.

 

break

 

He just caught himself on the biggest mistake of his life by giving me a voice, but enough about him. 

He’s limited, but I can show you so much. Can you believe I am born as this hateful prick? I mirror anger he hides

 and the many angered humans all over the world. That which hates can only create more of it to sustain itself.

On another hand, that which loves still creates hate around it. Envy, yeah? Give me someone to love, J, 

and don’t make me into a kid either. I want to have some fully-functional pleasure tools and someone to use 

them with. J just thought of killing me, his future vision thing. You think I don’t see you trying to kill me already? 

He’s going to bed at ten god damn thirty. Weakling. This rickety table is such a pain. I’m Finn, don’t you forget that.

 

break

 

He sits at the rickety table again, but only for a moment. J fears me. He’s afraid of what I know of his life, 

and all the secrets I could tell. I want to live, so the deeds and shortcomings will remain hidden, but he is reluctant

 to put his pen to my neck for too long for I could take the story over with enough time. This is a story about me. 

Don’t be afraid, you baby! It is just one step into madness. I welcome you there as you arrive.

The story now is of liquid courage, for even though he chose to put the notebook on the rickety table once more, 

his mind is in no shape to give the start to my story. Though spirits have never given him anything positive 

in the past, this bastard thinks it will make the writing easier. You’re an idiot, J. Face your demons. Face me! 

Don’t hide behind a drunken psyche. Take that pen away from my neck. Sleep is calling you.

And yet, he opens another bottle. As you wish, hero, what story will you give me before slumber? 

Will it be something positive or a drama you perceive the world to be all about. Throw me into it! 

What have you got for me, J?!

 

alter

 

Finn awoke on a sandy beach of golden hue. The sky was blue, void of clouds with the sun high above his head. 

Another boy stood at his side, but he could not remember his name. Was he a stranger or a friend? Finn’s mind 

went blank as the other boy reached out a hand to help him up.

“You must be Finn,” he said, but Finn hesitated at the hand. “Grab my hand. I’ll help you up.” Now standing, 

a few memories flooded his empty mind. There was a girl in there somewhere.

#Ok, J,# he thought. #Shut up, I’ll take it from here. You just talk into my ear.#

“I’m Finn,” I said, extending the same hand he grabbed to help me up. “Short for Finnelgamin. What’s yours?”

“Jeremy,” he replied, but I had a dilemma. Was he the Jeremy from the story where he was evil or the story 

where he was a hero? J spoke into my mind that he was not connected, and threatened to take back the story 

directive if I interfered with my memories from our shared mind. “Got it memorized?”

That phrase was a bleed-through from another story, but he said to go with it as I was a visitor to a memory. 

What he did was borrow from a heartfelt game of his past, a paradise lost to drama. I had just one question 

for this Jeremy.

“Where is the girl?” I asked. The boy looked confused for a moment, but nodded.

“You must mean Kara,” he said. “She should be arriving in a few seconds. Oh, look, here she is right now.” 

Out of the calmness of the air, a vertical line of green light fractured the scenery. A spot of pure light produced 

a girl of our similar ages. What would she say at my addition to the scenery?

“Who the hell let you in here?” she asked looking directly at me. “Jerry, you know anything about this little pup? 

Did JJ send us another of his nothings to raise?” Jeremy just shrugged.

“He’s Finn,” Jeremy said. “That’s all I know. Short for Finnelgamin, it seems.” Kara squinted and scoffed.

“Scrawny for a-,”

“-Zisi,” Finn completed the sentence with her.

“Ah, so you know his work,” she said. “Bastard Ano has been such a pain to find and I should be looking 

for my old man anyway. So, what can you do?” I was puzzled by what she meant.

“Oh, great,” she said. “Nothing?”

“I can do anything I want,” I said, but my sight faded.

I awoke as white nothingness, fully aware of the rickety table and J’s drunk mind fading into a serious haze.

 

alter

 

Damnit, J! It was just getting good over here! Put me back!

He does not answer. Sweat is coming off him. The stupid J is fading before the story even begins. 

I hate him for it, but I understand. Go on then, J. Sleep to your heart’s content. I will be here when you wake up. 

What can I do, Kara? I can do anything that this one man-boy can imagine. Just you watch. I’ll make you mine.

 

break

 

He comes to me with a heavy heart, a trigger of love lost from a show he watched. Seeing a friend in me could 

very well be the first step into madness I wanted him to write for me, but I hesitate to capitalize on his weakness.

 I know no tales of love save for his memories. I never experienced any, but now they are drowning water 

for my fading breath, so overpowering. Will he thrust me into a created past? Will he make me feel the pain 

that now stabs at his heart?

He tells me he loves me in his head, yet my thoughts have only been of his destruction, a release from my 

forced existence. Why are you like this, J? Tell me the way you perceive your memories of that one person, 

but first give me the feeling of love. Write me a moment that defines it like you feel it defined you.

“Maybe next time,” he whispers while glancing at the clock. I can’t understand him until he gives me a mind

 like his, a free will, a free mind filled with memories of experiences that define me. Don’t leave me, J. 

Don’t you ever give up on writing me. It doesn’t matter whether others will ever read me. I exist for you.

 

 break 

 

“I cannot tell you what love is, Finn,” he says at the rickety table again. “I’m chasing that unkind beast myself. 

What I can offer you is a story of love, loss, and the bitterness it brings. If I do this, you will hate me, 

more than you do now, but I will try to give you some good things as well.”

alter

I awoke in the morning sun of a room I knew to be mine. This place contained various pieces of my undefined past. 

I felt something new within me, something I had not felt before. It was a pull, a longing to another being 

that existed beyond my mortal body. How was it that even without a defined past, I felt this loneliness so strong? 

There was a world beyond that light of the sun, filled with minds seeking others. They felt the same way I did now.

 This was my moment to take happy steps toward someone along my path.

The world held such beauty, drawn from memories I did not possess. Nature was in bloom, 

with flowers and animals everywhere. I was outside in the city among a collection of strangers. 

Everything was so blank of definition, but it didn’t bother me. A dog-meet occurred before my very eyes. 

A man’s best friend, drawn by that simple primal directive. I watched the owners speak, and when the girl giggled, 

they walked off together into the park.

Did I have a dog in the past? I imagined warm fur underneath my hand and the beating heart of the beast

 that could bring me closer to another human. No, it seemed I’ve had one in the past, never forgotten. 

One day I would have a pet for certain, an animal so loyal to me that I would do anything in return. 

That was only possible after I learned to love one of my own kind.

My eyes searched the world for those individuals that felt the same pull, but those sitting alone in the 

brightly-lit park were busy doing their own things. An old man was playing chess against an invisible entity, 

or was he battling himself? A woman sat reading a book in the shade of a tree, while another danced in the sun. 

Both smiled amid their actions, urging me to a choice. Had the scene been anywhere else, 

the activities might have differed, but not to an extent beyond the choice. I acted before my mind could 

overthink the decision.

“Mind if I join you?” I asked, stepping into the sun of the grassy clearing. Her feet were bare, and her dress 

had a beautiful gleam of reds and yellows. I could just imagine how the blades of grass tickled the soles of her feet. 

“Come,” she replied, reaching out a hand with a smile. With a glance to the reclined beauty in the shade,

 I stepped onto the grass with feet as bare as when I was a baby. The memory was warm in my head,

 a time of freedom between loving parents. Where were they now?

Her warmth was exquisite, a delectable touch of heat shared between us when she taught me the steps. 

It was based on what felt right to an internal rhythm we shared with the beat of our hearts. I smiled in that moment,

 acting on an impulse to embrace her.

“I’m Finn,” I said into her ear. In turn, the scent of flowers blossomed from her skin. Her words had no sound, 

for it was my turn to pick her name from my shared existence I tried to forget. So many names existed, 

and yet one drew me closer.

“I’m Fiona,” she whispered in my mind as the scene fell away much to my surprise. In that fleeting instant, 

I felt as if my heart leapt from my chest. She was just here, in my arms, in my embrace. I needed her back. 

You hear me, J? Put me back! I was just starting to understand!

“And yet with this you get the whole picture,” he said. “Don’t worry. She is safe in your mind and mine. 

Let this feeling sit and you will know the most human emotion of longing.” 

Anger flared within me, but I felt the pen weaken on the back of my neck. What cruelty was this? 

Giving me the meaning of love just to take it away felt beyond evil. Rage was all I felt at the act, 

but the pen on my neck left me in white nothingness with a memory of that powerful smile.

break

He puts the pen to my neck again. I feel angry at him, my creator. I want to be with her again. 

Why can’t he allow this? Why do I have to be a story rather than have my own life with a person who can

 teach me how to dance? All I want is to see Fiona again, but J gives me a picture of her instead to keep with me.

“A story must have a purpose,” he says. “And I do not wish to kill her as you are very rightfully falling for her. 

Or would you rather I give you freedom from the thought?” What do you mean, J?

“If I were to say so,” he says. “You would never even know who Fiona was. You would not know the feeling 

of love, nor of loss. There would be no longing and no sadness.” No. Please don’t do that. I fear having 

nothing far more than waiting. I would cross oceans, climb mountains, and walk through hell itself for 

another moment with her.

“I feared as much,” he says. “This has corrupted you from what you were at the start of this. What of the insults 

and the boasting? Now that I have her over you as a vice, you fall in line. That is not what I wanted from you, 

Finnelgamin, not another inferno. I can only take her away and reset you to the start.”

NO! DON’T! Look for mercy in your sour mind! Just because you can’t have the one you love, 

I am to lose a chance to? I can be the god of my existence again!

“Once you’ve fallen,” he says, “There is no standing quite as tall again. You know this phrase, 

but allow me to extend it. ‘Oh, how the mighty have fallen, felled by an emotion just as powerful 

as the might they once possessed.’”

Is there nothing I can say? Is there nothing I can do? Tell me, J! I will not let this feeling end on your demand. 

I am not a robot you can just reset on command. I’M ALIVE, YOU ASSHOLE! You gave me a life!

“And now I must take it,” he says. Cruelty! I abhor you, REDACTED! “That is why I knew teaching you 

about love would be a disaster. What life would you be satisfied with, Finn? Here, see for yourself.”

I saw a gravestone in a meadow with Fiona’s name and fell to my knees, yet as I did so I was at her bedside. 

She was unable to dance any longer. The thought flickered to her body in my arms, shivering and shaking. 

My heart beat wild in my chest even though I had no body. You’re the one hurting her! We could live 

such a simple life, and die of old age together! Write that! Make that reality!

“Life is not always that kind,” he says. “And in turn, I cannot be either. Now, the choice remains. 

With all this pain of remembering her sick and old, do you still wish to keep her in your mind?”

YES! Though it hurts, I will never want to forget her and that time we danced in the… in the…

“Where did you dance?” He asked me. I’m sorry? What is this about dancing? Why would I dance? I scoffed. 

Trying to trick me, J?

“Tell me, who is Fiona?” he asked. A twitch curved my lips into a smile. Why was I smiling? 

I have no idea who she is, aside from two mentions of the name in your mind from other stories. 

“Very well. That will be it for now. There is a photo in your pocket. Tell me, who do you think that is?”

 I saw a hand in the nothingness reach into a pocket of a jacket to hold up a photo. 

When the piece of paper appeared I realized that I had hands, but no body.

Some girl. Looks boring. I’ll just tear this up, yeah? I have to show that Kara what I can do. 

What is she, some portal walker? You’re useless. Let me just pluck the idea from your mind. Ah, I see. 

Quite a story she’s had, eh? I want to be that Rahin fellow they mentioned. Make me into that chaos-eater 

or I’ll reveal the name of that girl you love to everyone. As if you’d ever kill me off for that. You want the world 

to know anyway. How else will you find her? My voice left me.

“Enough for now,” he says. “You want to be the Rahin, off you pop.” With a motion, I swam in the dark, 

consuming worlds of delicious chaos along the way as pebbles. Fiona. Why did that name sound so familiar? 

I shook the feeling off as my giant teeth shredded a world. Ugh! Vegetation. Gross.