Chapter 19 - A Life That Could Never Be
I came back a few days later, after trying to keep my attention on other things. Knowing more proved to be a step into madness I was not prepared for. Ideas still stopped by from the Infinity Void, most as I was trying to sleep. Some were X-rated, themed to the various stimuli I encountered on a daily basis. Others were stories that I would have liked to delve into, had I not been torn apart into other things from music to worrying about my future and the futility of my dreams in the changing world of a global pandemic.
“Hello?” I asked in the emptiness of the library. The space was too big for just one person, even for two unless they had a lot on their minds. In reality this space was the common area of a library for a whole slew of students. While there, I read books of many stories I have now forgotten, though moments of romance and sexuality of them all remained seared to the back of my skull. One particular description of a girl masturbating excited me the most, as I marveled how the story made it to high school shelves. I was unaware at the time that my development was delayed.
In college, it was far too obvious. My avoidance of girls in general to avoidance of social factions, only estranged me further to unwanted emotions. Madness arose from that suppression, beast bearing fangs from the dark with blazing eyes, angst resurfacing from the repressed age when I punched walls. From a kinder side, I wanted things like closeness to people, imagining being happy in somebody’s embrace, hanging out together without a care. From it, JJ was born. Both at the time, within me as nothing more than a dream and hidden chaos.
“Hey, Jack,” Lila said, coming down the stairs in a white towel wrapped around her teenage body. Her wet hair was still dripping water behind her. “Would you like it if I dropped this towel right now?” I felt a rattle of metal from beast’s cage.
“Sure,” I said, not thinking while looking within myself at the cage. Drop the towel she did, revealing a mostly developed body with a strange lack of genitalia between her legs. I shook my head forgetting she was a different species, but her breasts sure looked very human. Realizing my eyes focused on her chest, she put her hands to lift them and set a state of zero gravity on them to look suspended in water. “I mean, no. Sorry. I answered without thinking.” I averted my gaze.
“It’s ok, Jack,” she said. “I don’t mind you looking. I can even make that part below you like.” She put a hand over the muscle between her legs as it sank in, creating a butt hole looking sphincter. “I think I forgot what it looks like. Sorry. Can you show me?” Lila grabbed my hand, and pulled it with my arm closer to the opening. With a few massaging motions, and a bit of creationism, I molded her flesh to something I had seen only on screen and cast in silicone. It was likely to be a poor representation of the real thing, but as long as it functioned, I did not wish to explore it more. I paused still looking at it, and with a stray thought turned my form female.
“Oh, cool,” Lila said, crouching while slipping down my pants and underwear. “You got one, too. Lemme see.” Her hands felt around on my bare thighs, sliding to the vulva created from memory of a generic pornographic film. Or was it a specific one with a high definition of what every part looked like? Two of Lila’s fingers slipped inside me, while her other hand inspected the pubic patch of hair above.”
“I—,” I tried to say something, but it felt strange to have someone inside a sensitive area on this pretend body. My thoughts swayed, as beast shouted at her to lick it all with a wet tongue. I was glad she could not hear him, but did not get a lot of notice before her tongue slid over the surface anyway.
“It got moist,” Lila commented. “I wondered what it tasted like, so I licked it. That ok?” She looked up with her tongue out, getting closer again. I watched her keep eye contact with me as the wet surface slid over the flesh of my opening. I wished I could feel her fully, but an imitation was still enough to make me blush. Lila reeled her tongue back in for a taste test.
“And?” I asked, knowing I altered the flavor to black cherry.
“Sweet,” she said, taking a short breath before plunging her whole tongue inside me to gather more. It was not reality, but I was imitating it anyway. Why not have it flavored to be enjoyable. I wondered if there was a way to flavor the inside of a real vagina without giving the woman some sort of infection. There had been flavored condoms after all. “Fruity. You messed with this, didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” I replied, without trying to pretend it was real. “I don’t have any point of reference, but from my best guess it would taste something like sweat, metal, and raw meat juice.” Lila put her lips around the opening and sucked on it with gusto, as if she was slurping the last bits of a fountain drink from the cup. I felt moisture produced within rushing to the opening with a slight bit of pleasure. “Let me show you the most sensitive bit.” I reached to expose the clitoris, but Lila was there first.
“The little protrusion there?” She asked, touching the tip of her tongue to it. I felt a shock of a higher intensity travel down my spine. I only imagined that spot to be more sensitive, and was slave to my own devices in believing that touch was perceived in such a way. “Little nubbin. It’s kinda fun.” Lila licked around it a few times, then pressed the bean in with the tip of her tongue and sucked on it after. There was no way I could simulate an orgasm, so instead I imagined the sensation of male orgasm as I produced a bit of honey-flavored liquid squirt into Lila’s mouth.
“That’s sweet, too,” she commented, picking up what did not make it in, and licking her fingers. “What’s with your kind and sweet?”
“Well, in a time of hunters and gatherers, finding honey was a rare and celebrated occasion,” I explained. “It gave energy, and was said to cure many ills. As different societies advanced, it became easier to get sugar out of vegetables and use it in many different ways, such as candy. Candy is like sugar for the sake of excitement. It most often has no nutritional value, just sugar that excites people and gives them quick boosts of energy they often need.”
“Yeah,” Lila said. “My world had a sugar phase. There was this one fruit that would constantly be ground up and dried out for the flavoring mechanic you talked about, but we nipped it in the bud before it got dangerous. Basically made the fruit extinct in the world.”
“It’s harder when the source of sugar is the main grain of the land,” I said. “It gets processed for the sugar because it’s very plentiful. There is no way to escape it.”
“That’s harsh,” she said. “Alright, your turn.” Lila turned around revealing her triangle shaped vagina, and aged to maturity to have it primed over the spot in her spine into the womb. I could have just left her be, but felt she deserved something for the effort she put in. I held a hand over my vagina, and rubbed it a bit as a penis erected from within. I was still in a female body of minute proportions, but now had something to use on her.
I flexed a bit of creationism to make it curved so that we could still face each other, then sat on the couch, erection curved up towards myself, still visibly coming from inside the vagina Lila licked and sucked on just a few moments ago. She stepped over me, molded vagina still on her frontal muscle. I leaned forward to put my tongue inside for just a moment, and waited until she moved away. She sat on my legs aiming the extension behind her into the correct spot before leaning back a bit to put it further. I felt the bumps of the teeth that would sever my connection to the tip at the point.
“You can make another one for here if you’d like,” Lila said, spreading the flesh of the vagina I molded myself. I flexed creationism to create another standard penis, that entered her from the crotch as it grew erect. I was still female, with breasts naked akin to hers, but as my kind's sexual encounter encouraged them touching, her's inclined them further away. For my sake, I made the curved production angle ninety degrees my way, slamming her chest up against mine in a delicious-sounding slap.
I held one hand on her back while using the other to stimulate the corners of her opening that had more sensitivity. Lila was pleased at this skin contact, and I tried to remember how it felt to be this close to a human being and feel skin upon my skin. With bodies positioned as such, my thrusts with the straight were also thrusts with the curved, and when she arched back at the point, I buried my face between her breasts, feeling the curved part sever from my body. I could never get used to that. It felt brutal, but if it grew back, it had to be a part of life for her kind.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I have to get going.”
“Thank you for engaging with me,” Lila said. “It was quite fun.”
“I didn’t even mean to stay so long,” I said. “I was just going to pop in for a moment with something I wanted to say.”
“What was it?”
“I don’t remember,” I replied. “It felt important though. It’ll come back to me.” I waved a hand, turning my body back to normal. There was no chance I could ever be in my reality what I could be in here. Anything less than this would be an imitation. There was only suffering for me out there. Did it not make sense to go mad and retreat inside for that very reason? I wished it made sense.
“See you in a bit, Lila,” I said.
“Next time, I’ll have the penis,” she said. I was hesitant in coming back if all it was going to be now was a numbed version of sex neither of us could fully enjoy. With a blank expression at the thought, I fell backwards, breaking into sand that evaporated into nothing.
break
I came back nearly a week after the escapade with Lila, having been plagued with thoughts of other sexual matters. Though it sometimes came up from the ideas streaming into my mind from the Infinity Void, I had often tried to avoid sexuality in my writing. Some ideas were purely pleasure based, enjoyed by beast, and censored by JJ. Ever since the sexual encounter with Lila while in a female body, the thoughts just would not leave me alone.
“Lila?” I asked, while materializing seated on the top step of the stairs. There was no response, but I did not feel like looking for her in the house. Instead, I snapped my fingers for walls and ceiling to turn invisible, finding her up in the attic in child form. It was an empty space, unlike the original filled with countless boxes of items from the past. The man who owned the library house originally was a great adventurer back in his day, venturing through the undiscovered Mosonian jungles of his story.
Lila looked down, and jumped back, only to realize that she was still floating in the air on the floor. I floated through the high ceiling to meet her there, as the walls, ceiling, and floor gained back their opacity. I put out a hand to help her stand, but she used creationism to have a wooden hand protrude from the floor to pick her up by the muscle between her legs. The piece of wood remained, but I waved a hand to set it back down into the floor.
“Hey, Jack,” she said. “I didn’t know there was an attic here, so I went exploring. It’s a lot of empty space, but I feel like there should be something here.”
“There usually is,” I replied. “In the original story, the whole place is filled with boxes and chests of items that one old man gathered along his adventures.”
“Foradim Averco,” she said. “I remember, but no, I mean now. It feels like it should have some items even as a copy of the house. It just feels like this room has baggage, in the atmosphere.” I looked over the dark space, and added a few windows in the distance to the darkness, realizing there was no light outside to pour in. Another motion created a few ARC paintings outside the windows that cast baby blue light inside.
The room was large covering the whole library, though modest, still quite sizable. The pillars from the walls continued through the ceiling and up into the roof as the main supports for the large ceiling of wooden arches painted with gold symbols. The floor of the ceiling was dusty, and the wood used was nothing like the subtle dark brown of the library. There was no varnish or stain, just plain wood. With a few motions in the air in front of me, I lifted the roof slightly higher, redid the floor to a glossy coat of wood, and added a few bigger ARC windows to illuminate the area.
“Whoa!” Lila explained. “It’s like a ballroom now! Come on, we’re going to dance.” She held out her hand, open palm up, but I did not grab hold. Her eyes closed, advancing her age to a young teen in a prom-looking dress, but I grimaced. She closed her eyes slightly with a look of determination, and I noticed she was trying to change my form. I wondered if I should fight her, but instead surrendered as I turned to her age. Before I had a moment to see how I looked, Lila pulled on my wrist into an embrace.
“I’ve never danced like this,” I confessed. “I think I’ve hated myself for the who-”
“I don’t care,” she said, then rested her head on my shoulder while we moved to no music whatsoever. I closed my eyes, imagining a random song, which just happened to be “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, that I had to look up by a stray sentence of lyrics. When I opened my eyes, the ceiling was full of shifting lights, slowly flowing to the music. Time did not matter at that moment. I played the song in the background from my phone while being captivated by the moment.
When the song ran out, Lila’s head lifted from my shoulder and I met her eyes. Her form shifted again to a grown woman, and I matched mine in the same manner, but ended up taller than her. Her face was at my chest, but she did not seem to mind as she rested it against me. She shifted my form again, this time meeting me at her eye level, in the body of a woman. I leaned forward, until I could feel her breath on my cheek, and Lila closed the distance with her lips to mine.
There was a tremendous force of wind from between us that did not seem to affect us, only the clothes we were wearing. I clung to her, and she held onto my back as the fabric tore bit by bit to flap around the room in a frenzy. Our bodies were close together, holding the remains of cloth with just the pressure between us. When the wind died down, and we stepped apart, the bits of cloth fell to reveal us naked, only Lila had something between her legs that was smooth muscle before.
“Ready?” She asked, as the piece of flesh slowly rose up, gaining length just as I showed her before. Her penis was pointing hard, throbbing every few seconds. I made sure I had a vagina, then nodded. “I’ll start slow.”
“You don’t have to,” I said, waving my hand to create a bed behind us. I stood just in front of it, arms ready to clasp around her when she was close enough. Lila walked forward with a look on her face that conveyed hunger. Her breasts still bounced at each step, but the erection was pointing still. When she was close enough, I grabbed hold of the tip, eliciting an audible gasp from Lila at the touch, and helped guide it to the opening. “There you go-OHH!”
I felt it spread the opening apart in a rough thrust, fully submerging inside me as our skin slapped together once. Lila held it there, breathing hot air on my neck. I slid my hand over her thigh and petted the underside of her testicles, as she bit the flesh of my neck a little, licking it wet. I traced my finger on the taint looking for the one vein that I knew to be there, then massaged it while Lila’s body shook a little.
“Do you like that?” I asked in her ear. “You can move, you know.”
“I want to, but It’s just so comfortable like this,” she said. “I feel warmth and tightness all around it. I just want to stay like this.”
“Try pulling it out,” I said. Lila licked my neck to my lips, as we shared a very wet kiss. With a few grunts of effort, Lila pulled herself out entirely, looking really vulnerable. I slid my hand up the length to the tip and guilded the erection back at the entrance. “When you pull it out, stay inside just a bit to guide you back inside. Got it?” Just as before, Lila slammed back inside with a gasp of pleasure and held herself there with another hot shaky breath on my neck.
“It feels much better inside,” She said.
“It’s meant to,” I said. “Move it out, and this time continue the motion.” Lila pulled herself out slowly, as I felt the warm erection slide out, and then slam back in. The pull was far slower than the slam, but she would get there. Lila continued the motion, splitting me open over and over as I wished I could feel that heat and slipperiness myself. With a few more deep thrusts, she paused, sinking her teeth into my shoulder and drawing blood. When she parted, I could feel a liquid shift inside me, erupting from the tip of the deep probe.
“I, uh,” she started.
“I know,” I replied. “Did you enjoy it?”
“It was different,” she said. “I just want to leave it inside now. It’s so warm and comfortable.” I waited as the blood drained from the erection and it more-or-less slipped itself out. Though Lila was no longer inside me, I held her close, aligning out breath and sharing our heat on the bed.
“You alright?” I asked.
“I’m strangely tired,” she said. “Oh, crap. I’m sorry. I bit you when I hit the point.”
“It’s ok,” I said. “Some people are into that. I do have to tell you that we shouldn’t be doing this, probably.” Lila put her hands over my nipples and pushed us apart. Her look of confusion was understandable.
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“We shouldn’t be playing with creationism like this,” I said. “We shouldn’t be having sex in this pretend-space where it doesn’t have any impact.”
“No impact? What about the times you’ve masturbated to the things we’ve done? What about the things I’ve shown you that led you to gain pleasure? Did that mean nothing?” I pushed away from her, as the flaccid penis finally exited my vagina fully. With a motion, I was back to my real self, but Lila motioned her hand to turn me back into a woman.
“Do you need me to be a woman to answer you?” I asked. “Because I’m not a woman. I can be ‘this’ here because I can imagine it, but I can’t be like this in reality, so what’s the point? I’m lying to myself in hopes that I somehow gain strength and courage to end up like this in my reality, but that’s not something that will ever happen.” Lila came up to me with a grimace of anger, but pressed her body up against me, holding tight.
“No matter what happens in here, it changes nothing for me,” I continued, while her arms only held me closer. “You’re someone who lived life openly, and you paid the price for it, getting put in this darkness for god knows how long in reality because you wanted to be a person without restraint. That will never be me. Living in my world means hiding stuff because people aren’t kind to strangeness. I don’t have the strength to face the darkness like you. I don’t have… I don’t…” The further I got, I realized tears were in my eyes, escaping them one by one.
Lila just held me close, tight, saying nothing. I wanted to fight her, push her away, just like Rebecca when she wanted to help me. I hurt that person the most, but above all I hurt myself. I wanted to cease to exist before I wanted to face who I really wanted to be. The amount of hell in my life it would create, the amount of difference it would cause, felt like I would just choke thinking about it.
“Don’t leave me alone,” Lila whispered. “I know. I’ve tried to live a life without restraint. I did what I wanted, and I got in trouble for it. I faced the worst because of it. I faced this endless nothing. I’ve put on a brave face. I’ve hid behind the childish mind. I’ve taken everything at face value. I wanted to cut my emotions off just as much, but there isn’t a way to do that without cutting off memories you made using those emotions. The only time I truly felt understood, is by you. I’m mad, fully crazy, insane, demented. I take life, create it, destroy it, alter it. None of it matters to me. It’s like everything is a plaything, but that means I don’t fit in anywhere because all of it is just decoration for a picture I’m not in.
“But you, Jack, are the way I wanted to hold myself in my reality. I am glad to be here, because if I could only hide myself away like you, I could lead a normal life.”
“NO YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T LEAD A NORMAL LIFE EVEN IF YOU HIDE YOURSELF AWAY! I can’t, at least. People don’t trust someone who is hiding stuff. When I am around people, I don’t want to be around them. I don’t feel like myself because they have no idea the crazy stuff happening in my head. Trying to explain it to them would turn them away just as would ignoring them. It’s better to just ignore them, let them ignore me, and live a quiet life to the end.” I squeezed Lila close again, feeling the warmth I could not feel in my reality, and disappeared before she could respond.
I lingered, no longer in there. I pictured Lila sitting on the bed alone, arms falling to the bed surface from the hug that ceased to be. I did not know if I wanted to come back to her again. I did not want the fake sex anymore. I did not want to pretend I was engaging in something I knew I did not deserve in reality because I could not trust anyone, could not open up to anyone. I just wanted peace and quiet, so that beast and JJ would just shut the hell up and stop bothering me. It was better to keep away from people knowing any of this. Maybe it was time to erase this whole series from existence. Finn, Rebecca, and Lila. Just mentioning them reminded me that I could never do so. I was the subject of my own inflicted torture.
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