A Self-Study Within A Broken Mind

If there were foreboding signs on that morning, I missed them. I hardly paid attention to where I was going at the time, but I do not credit the mistake to the way my mind operates during the week. I had no coffee that morning, rushing into the office after a betrayal of my phone. It died during the night, reminding me to feed it as I danced in my REM cycles. It was too late in the morning to give it any juice, and it set the precedent for the rest of the morning. At the very least, the train was on time, filled with people rushing about in the same huff, but they were just going about their day. They had nary an inkling of what was about to happen, and where I’d end up. I got out of the subterranean system of machinery and considered grabbing a quick coffee at the corner cart. No. I’d get some of the machine-brewed corporate-provided darkness-in-a-cup instead, or so I thought. There, in the lobby was a guy right about my age, perhaps younger. Not a bad looking face and hair, just a li...

I had not been back to the library in close to a month. Even before, I saw happiness and left them to it. I did not want to interrupt Kara’s happiness, nor that of Lila and Tarne. Yet I sat at the little device again, continuously broken by stresses of everyday life, living in a temporary location that I could not call a home, and working in a toxic environment. I needed a change, or a chance for something else. The strings that held my life together in the metal metropolis were tearing apart. I had to escape before I fell apart. I appeared within the library in silence, only looking up toward the golden arched ceiling. I did not look around or move for a while. The golden paintings of godlike figures shifted around to depict a miniature story. There was a woman clothed in a billowy golden dress running through a barren wood. On her heel, two lions pulled a cart with a mustached man holding a whip. She took refuge in a golden hut by a blue lake, in the small patch of forest green, whit...

Having just reread a part of the story where Fyntn discussed his place in the ivy, I came back to the library weeks later. I did not feel like coming back since everything was ok now. There was no reason to continue, except when the Rahin returned to change something. Over the weeks spent away, I had grown sad and angry about some things in my life, and the growing disaster of the virus variants plaguing the world into a subjugated populace. Those who were meant to protect us, have given up trying. This was the time for an endemic survival of the fittest. The second I stepped foot in that empty space, I did not want to stay. I could only burden them with the way I was feeling. I wanted to let beast run loose, let JJ have fun unburdened by limits of time and money. I had no place to let rage burn out of me. I had no time to play around. Kara, Lila, and Tarne, did not need that depressing mindset around right now. I would have to find a way to rage and play before coming back. break I ha...

I came back a few days later, in the middle of the week. I just wanted to check in on Kara and Lila to be a part of something that was without issues seeing as my life was only spiraling. I arrived at the large room to find Tarne sitting on the couch in silence. “Hey,” I said. She looked over, frowned, and turned away. “You ok?” “They’re at it again,” she said. I worried that she meant they were having relationship issues, but a soft moan entered my ears from upstairs. I looked at Tarne, who was red in the face embarrassed. “Can you make them stop?” “It’s a natural thing,” I explained. “But it would be hard to understand at your age. Give it some time, you’ll understand.” “And then it wont bother me anymore?” “Well, then it will bother you more,” I said. “But you’ll understand and look for something similar with someone.” “Who?” “Good question,” I said. “Probably someone you haven’t met yet. Once you leave this place, you will meet countless people, and some will be fun to be around. A...

I hesitated coming back after Christmas. Lila would no doubt tell Kara about my slip up. Knowing what happened could only expose the gunshot underneath the band-aid. I had worked too hard to change their minds, to have them forget. First of all, there was nothing to know. The person Tarne was had nothing to do with what the soul was before. Granted he regained his memories once before, but Fyntn fixed that with his sacrifice. Having delayed going into the library until the last few minutes before work, I needed to face what became of Kara. I had to know that the memory of knowing was erased. I stepped into the library to find it empty, but rather than call out, I sent out a telepathic field to only connect to Kara. She was nowhere to be found, possibly no longer in the untethered space. She had the Keir after all, and I worried what that might mean, having revealed the plan to erase her memories to James AI. The setting was wrong. I would have to stop by again another time. I was disap...